It isn’t what people say at the beginning of a conversation that is on their minds. Wait for it. The bread and butter will reveal itself. I know this because I know my own mind. It never stops living. My life is a mere continuation of my dreams, but in my waking life I are often interrupted by simple things such as people talking to me, cars needing to be driven, work needing to be done, and bodies needing to be taken care of. In my sleep there is no stopping the thoughts, they manifest to their fullest without remorse or guilt for any harm or discomfort they cause me. But I don’t mind, I like to roam free. In watching my thoughts, I am able to see through the layers by not getting stuck on one topic, so for a second, I get a glimpse of what is bothering me way underneath it all. Under those layers are the things I wouldn’t say until I was deep into the conversation. Under the layers are the situations that I wish never happened, the things I wish I could take back, and the things I wish would leave me alone. I see those issues there, but seeing is all I can do. If I pull out a topic from the roots and thus finally rid myself of its nagging existence, another topic will fill into that spot. The process is endless because the spots are always there, grasping issues to apply its emotions to. Seeing through the layers, clearing them off, and restructuring was just the beginning. It is overwhelming to climb what you thought was the tallest peak only to finally see how many more mountains are ahead of you. It is the space they layers fill that needs adjustment. How to adjust them, I don’t yet know. From here I cannot see how deep they go because the surface life covers them for most of my day. When the surface life is very smooth and thick, it crates a nice trail to follow that makes me not think about the foundation built below. Maybe this is because the deep layers really do not matter so long as life is in order. So I guess this one comes down to this: When life is good, don’t spoil the fun.
When I partake in a guilty pleasure, for days afterward I am hyper vigilant that someone is going to call me out on it. Typically though, I am only called out on those pleasures for which I feel no guilt. So then, why am I expecting a negative reaction when I feel as though I have done something to feel guilty over? It must just be the effects of guilt, an emotion for which there seems to be no antidote for.
I often don’t realize that I feel guilty until I start to wonder why certain memories keep flashing into my mind. At that point I simply ask myself, “why are those few seconds of life so significant?” From there I shift through all past memories which I find are associated with this reoccurring thought and deduce a common theme. Guilt is tricky though because it is not an emotional which I like to admit I feel. By having a habit of avoiding it, I find that there are many other memories that have been left untagged by the guilt category, making the mess a rather large, draining chore.
But still with guilt, is isn’t like other emotions in that acknowledging it neither fully takes away its uncomfortable residue nor does it give me new habit to practice so as to make future situations less stressful. I’m am simply left feeling guilty and knowing it.
That makes me think that my propensity to feel guilty has less to do with the actual behaviors which excited the guilt in me and more to do with a need to feel far more guilty in life than is really necessary. Therefore the guilt in me is hungry for reasons to get its fair share of my waking life and thus attaches itself to situations simply because it has greater power than a more desirable emotion like joy. While this reasoning makes sense to me, it still doesn’t dissipate my discomfort. There must be something else going on in addition to the guilt…. perhaps it will surface in another note…
The most annoying aspect of an over expression of annoyance or anger is the transition by way of guilt . How one passes from positive to negative emotions I think plays an important part in their behavior towards other people. If I were to get into a positive mood by relaxing, reading, playing golf, etc. and completely moving into a positive mood unrelated to the negative state of mind then the forthcoming actions, when presented with that negative situation, is different than if I convinced myself that I have gone too far and used that realization to further “make up” for my previous over expression of emotion. Thus being able to be overly nice later is not honest because it would not have happened had I not been in a bad mood yesterday. Some people just need to be bitches in order to get to that super nice state of mind they probably wish they could always be in.
In reality, it is best to simply own your bad mood, possibly admit to those who took the brunt of it that you were wrong to get that heated or at least, completely address it to yourself so you can better understand yourself. Then, and this is key, return to homeostasis! Don’t go on a super overly nice spree because it is way, way obvious that your doing it because of yesterday’s behavior and just don’t want to address it by admitting you read way too far into the email for some stupid, emotionally reactive ego protecting reason. Beyond that, you’ll burn yourself out because most probably the people you are now trying really hard to be overly nice to, probably don’t deserve THAT much niceness. Knowing this, you will eventually get bitter and play the game called “Look at how nice I’ve been to you” and end up getting really, really pissed off at nothing once the wick of your Nice candle gets blow out by some common minor annoyance, which, had you been maintaining homeostasis, would have hardly been noticeable.