I often confuse myself when I think too much about my opinions of the outside world. As a habit I filter things through my own point of view; I am empathetic. I see great value in this over-thought of what I perceive because of the oddly creative stuff that I find spewing out of my own head. The subtle connections (either real or imagined) provide me a great amount of entertainment in my solitary world as well as make me more self reliant emotionally. So you can say that this is a root factor in my enjoyment of being socially withdrawn. As a habit I see what is on my mind in the world and in what people say. For a while this was rather difficult to shut off, but now that I understand it and am better able to control it to the point that I can use it to my advantage in running “what-if analysis” before making a decision.
I cannot honestly say that I am always aware that I am not objectively interpreting a situation and wouldn’t be made aware until discrepancies start to formulate, only then would I go back and adjust my interpretation. I am not disturbed by this because I am not the only one who misinterprets situations based upon fears or opinions of people involved. The difficultly is proving to people that their interpretation is incorrect and that the meaning was misconstrued due to personal bias. At this point projection bias is then coupled with belief.
Belief can a dangerous thing if one is not willing to introspect objectively or one has no reason to take that extra introspective leap. Additionally, intuition steps in to oppose belief. Running two opposing programs, one in your mind and one fueled by outside parties usually brings action to a halt. Frozen by excessive thought about an over stimulating situation, I can only act as I would have acted if this event had not occurred. Pretty much play it cool until I figure out what the hell to do. So ly in your actions, go through the motions and pretend that all is as it was, pull it off and not even your best of friends will notice that you are facing an internal dilemma of rather large proportions.
Once an action has been made, it is rather difficult to convince people of what was going through your mind this entire time because people don’t realize that one can hide such a problem because they believe that someone wouldn’t hide such a thing. They believe in relying on everyone else to help you through dilemmas and that it is in fact everyone’s business. As if showing weakness is the only way to gain support and get people to connect with you.
All I can do is hope that I have gotten it right, and hope that my hope doesn’t just prolong the torment.
When something has been a habit or other form or reoccurring trend in life often times it is but a symptom of some- probably- underlying issue, or so I have come to notice, especially in the realm of thoughts and behaviors which stand out or have more extreme effects on my otherwise calm presence. The acknowledgment that “this is happening for a reason” is actually the moment when your subconscious mind (call it anything you you you like) finally got the message through that an conflict is at hand which cannot be balanced on the level at which the SC usually goes about its business. Perhaps to, I have resisted some natural tendency too much and the SC must therefore take more drastic and stronger measures in an attempt to maintain homeostasis and keep you in what it believes is your natural balance.
So I am my own puzzle. These thoughts from my past which haunt me are just reminders of something. On the surface, I’ve learned what to avoid or what is not wanted for basic survival of the self, but there is more to it. I have thought these thoughts many, many times over and over again and my reaction to them has turned to disgust. Which is abnormal for thoughts that didn’t originate such an extreme response from me. What is still abnormal is that I haven’t forgotten them yet. Compared to similar thoughts, of which I couldn’t wait for a time when I wouldn’t remember anything more than the blank space in my mind cabinet that it once filled, these are be played and displayed consistently. I think this is just another layer of life that I have to work through; this one just has different attributes and it took me longer to realize that yet another layer of unresolved issues has been cleared leaving this odd one in full bloom. I guess the next question is: Is this constant uncovering of issues normal? I guess it is a good thing that my biggest haunting only stretches back less than two years ago.
The thing about spending enormous amounts of time alone is that you get to see first hand human socialization habits, as just that, habits, well more than just habits…. More like a series of pointless, often useless, and emotionally draining habits. Okay, okay, I won’t completely drag it down here; many of them are indeed fulfilling, useful, and personally rewarding. But unfortunately we have just been exposed to them and when we, for some reason, didn’t pull off the habit as well as others, we have spent an enormous amount of time trying and retrying to get them right and “fit in.”
This means we continually subject ourselves to other people for the purpose of fitting in to some sort of club only because at one point we thought we weren’t quite good enough to get into but we wanted to get in. In reality, we were in the club, just not the role we wanted for ourselves.
Our role was to be the person who never got it right, no matter what we did because once we got it right, the rules changed to keep us as the people in the club that the other members could talk about behind our back and use us as a conversational past time to avoid confronting themselves and their own ridiculous ways. Now once you’ve been in the club for a while you realize you aren’t the only one who is in this role, there are others in your same class of people who are never allowed to get things right.
Some of us may chose to ignore what I believe are negative aspects of this role and just accept the role in the club you have been given because deep down you need these people to make you feel at ease inside yourself (for reasons undiscovered thus far by me), regardless of how often you notice insiders casting quick smirking glances between each other when your sense of expressing yourself confirms something they noticed in a prior confidence.
Now all this depends upon the context of why these people keep inviting you around. There are plenty of times I am willing and able to make fun of myself and allow others to do so, but the difference is I want to be in that role.
Being somewhat of an immensely yoga influenced person I find that it does help once in a while to step back from life and view it from a detached position so as better to see what is going on, especially in my mind. On a necessary occasion I like to try and think about nothing and not let any thought grab my attention no matter how badly I want to take hold of the reins and ride the thought into the sunset. By doing this I can see from the sidelines how the content of my life affects me.
I’ve known forever that I am a daydreamer, I love daydreaming. Daydreams are different to other thoughts in life because they are purely for entertainment purposes and ways to fill time while in meetings, brushing my teeth, walking around campus, trying to fall asleep at night, etc. Those are great but I have (in the somewhat recent past) developed a shift in my thinking. I’ve gotten in the habit of daydreaming on my life, my real life. I don’t make up pure fictional stories like I used to, I simply use the outside world as fuel for my everyday inner world, which I probably have always done, but I used to use more imaginary figures and places… (I spent 10 years with my nose in scifi/fantasy books… what do you expect?) Anyways, so I feel like I am drowning in my over active imagination, which consists of a multitude of events in my life that have never happened to me or probably won’t.
So taking a few-minute break from my thoughts was a great idea because it allowed thoughts to pop up on my mind screen and after instantly acknowledging them out of habit, I saved them for later, all before I grabbed hold of them which prevented them from fully being played out and reacted to. So you see… these thoughts that have often taken over my time, have only done so because I have allowed them to.
It isn’t easy fighting a mental program once the program has established itself and is propagating how it fulfills my needs, but sometimes enough is just enough. I have to stamp out useless thought programs fully to keep my mind strong.
I was just sitting, internalized, on my bed curled up in a ball, swaying ever so slightly, meditating my hardest to remember where I put my GMAT score report so I can finish another part of my Grad School Application. Completely stumped, my mind skipped like a rock over the water of other thoughts that I figured might trigger the location of the report paper. Nonetheless the rock fell into the water on a particular topic of thought that I often revisit when I’m in a frustrated internal state and need a smile.
The specific moment of the thought-topic was of no surprise to me… the memory consisted of me in a different, yet sorta similar, sitting pose, gazing intently at the living image in front of me, for how long, I do not know… it seemed like an eternity, yet probably only a few seconds. In that memory I swayed, eyes fixed, ever so slightly as well, but as a fidget, rather than habit, from an over bubbling rush of a feeling that I knew must exist yet honestly had never expected to experience.
At that point I was reliving it again, feeling the flash behind my eyes as the bright blue pierced into me, the intent rush of amazement, then came the realization that it was too late, it took me by surprise, I didn’t intend to fall in love like this – in this way, I should never have gotten myself in this situation and let this happen, it’s not safe. I must have let my guard down somewhere, in sometime, but it was too late for that and yet oh so soon all at the same time. Maybe I put that paper in my night stand. No, not there either. Thank god for The Giver.
I got out of bed this morning at 11:30 after being woken up to numerous announcements over the hostel loud speaker telling people to check out and get out….luckily I checked in for 2 nights so I don’t have to move if i don’t want to.
I like to lay in bed in the morning and just think… think think think… perhaps I think too much. No I read too much. I was wondering this morning how many of my ideas are actually my own… this thought, btw, isn’t my own, I got it from one of Schopenhauer’s essays, but that’s why I read because it make me think of things that I would normally never have thought of myself. Still, how much of what i do is actually me? Sure I filter though and pick out pieces of what I encounter that I can relate to, but why those things? and why those people? I swear this social networking that everyone claims is so good really just creates more problems and distractions from what people really want to do with their time.
I do have one thought (at least) that I feel is pretty much my own creation: All this single life stuff that I have felt so excited to experience and create will mostly be useless for the rest of my life… or at least I intend it to be useless. I’m just to lazy to spend so much time filtering though guys… I never had to do this before and I am so so so glad that I was spared for 7 years from this ridiculous dating scene that so many people I meet claim to love.
I was done typing but I’ve been away from the computer for so long that I just want to type more things for the Aspects of Me:
I love green food,
I’m not always in the mood to socialize, so i pretend to be asleep, read a book, pretend not to notice people, or simply hide in order to stay in my current bubble.
I love to ride my own momentum
I often soak up people’s mannerism or personality traits, so my personality is partly composed for the people who have made a big impression on me, I don’t always like this habit of mine because it can be too obvious that I’m reacting like someone else.
Many of my goals were actually someone else’s and I’ve accomplished them to simply do it before the originator had the chance… or to simply be more like the person who came up with the idea.
If I really like a song I will listen to it for a week or two straight… or in the case of Bjork… two years straight.
I need that spark with a guy
My body tells me what foods it wants more of…
Out of time…