There are so many things that I won’t do again because I’ve learned that they aren’t for me or that specific types of situations really aren’t going to get me the results I would want. But the beautiful part about it all is that I can just live it in my imagination, where, if I don’t like the outcome, I can ponder up an alternative or two or three all while sitting at my desk at work, taking in even more fuel for my dream world.
With many things, except money, I often do not dread the worst-case scenario the most. I dread the mediocre scenario. This is because if the worst-case happens, I am pretty damn sure that I will not go do it again. I will rationalize all sorts of reasons for why that particular “worst” is definitely not going to enter into my paradigm ever again, and I will build coping mechanisms (i.e. habits) that ward against these defined “worsts”.
But after having gone through a mediocre scenario, the passion derived from the “worst” escapes me. I have no real reason to repeat and no real reason not to repeat.
It is like a bad date, I know I will never see and/or date the guy again because of the disastrous events and feelings associated with the date, but at least I have a funny, drama filled story to tell. But a mediocre date, oh god, I could be doomed to repeat the same vanilla over and over in my efforts to force some value or at least a tickle of a feeling of excitement. But that is just one example.
The point is not to avoid the mediocre, it is to know what mediocre means and to learn from it sooner, rather than later. Identifying the mediocre makes the exciting shine.
It is 3am and I’m wide awake because I passed out at 7 or 8 when I got home from drinking. I’ve been laying in bed 1) thinking about how comfortable it is and 2) wondering what actually excites me in life. There are so many things I do that really are only interesting because they get me moving and out of my room. But do I actually enjoy it? that is a very different question, usually my response is, “I had a good time,” which is true but most of the time my head is still in another place or wishes to be for some reason.
It is that feeling of being 100% absorbed in something that I actually crave; that is difficult to obtain with other people around. Often I think that the people I’m hanging out with would enjoy themselves more if they were hanging out with someone else who is more entertaining. Maybe I’m just bored with myself sometimes so I assume others must be as well. Actually it is really a compatibility issue because more overtly social individuals need to be entertained to have a good time. They also need you to be over the top in explaining situations you enjoyed otherwise they don’t see the fun in it and respond with suspicion.
I think it is my knowledge of these overly social types that makes me wonder if I could have had a better time. I just see how other people “enjoy” situations more than I did and I wonder what I missed. But it isn’t that I didn’t have a good time, it is just that I didn’t have a good enough time. I think someone would have enjoyed themselves more with different company because I am not always that interested in social activities unless I’m extremely interested in hanging out with the parties involved.
I’m rather apathetic towards most people, like always have one foot on the ground and take it all with a grain of salt. I just don’t really want to be connected to anyone (aside from family) any more than I already are. Some sort of freedom from being defined by my friends. I don’t really know what to do about it, or if anything needs doing. School is good because it gives me a reason to hang out with people and a base for something to talk about.
The worst is feeling alone when people are around, because when I feel alone, I want to go be alone and that is often difficult when someone is relying on you to maintain your attention to the fact that they are there with you in the moment. Like if driving in the car and the other person wants to talk and I’m just zoned out, then I have to deal with the other person not being satisfied with my entertainment skills, when I really would rather be relaxing somewhere or practicing a new dance move in my room.
The problem with relationships is that I usually wonder why the person is hanging out with me and I usually don’t have a very good answer to that question. Just killing time, I guess, with something to do and someone to do something with. I think I’m just lacking adventurous excitement and the feelings involved. It all comes back to me being immobilized until I finish school. It is a personal choice and these are just the side effects of that choice that I must bear to accomplish my goal. I’m almost a year in and I have a year left, so it should go by fast. I have a lot of things to look forward to this summer. That dance workshop in July up in LA, getting these summer school classes out of the way, so the future doesn’t seem so grim, neither really does the present. There is just some left over dread from the past in dealing with people that comes up after certain interactions that makes me feel unsure of myself, but in so many other ways, I’m fine. I just wish I could go back to sleep.
The most lingering, absent objects in life seem to be those that I did not get enough of. For whatever reason I was inhibited from reaching some sort of full potential, which my imagination deemed possible, and I am left with an internal confliction which refuses to be laid to rest. At one end I am at the height of happiness with my previous experiences and seek to push them further (either in my mind or in real life). At the other end is the whole realization of why it is best that it hasn’t continued to manifest in this perpetual present time.
These two poles of the matter alternate, both with completely legitimate arguments on each side. When the happiness over the thought dominates, I am totally convinced by its outright charms… but slowly the happiness fades into more sobering thoughts….that only confuse the matter in my mind. The sobering thoughts seem so realistic and based on facts that, if true, tell me that my once perceived happiness over the matter is, well, not obtainable or not really possible. I tell myself that I must forget about it because too much is at risk of going wrong if I pursue what I have been missing. This logic, painstakingly, leads me to simply carry on with my current involvements of day-to-day living, with my hands in the air because I don’t know which side of myself is to be believed. Both ideas are extreme to the point where the only middle ground is to do nothing and wait and see what happens. If nothing happens I will be free of both sides…. if something does, I will have to fully face both of them…. I’m stuck in a binary box where the answer is either accept or reject and I have a binary opinion on both of those outcomes.
Words can mean so many things… even nothing. The driving force isn’t the words because they are only taken as harshly or lightly as the listener chooses to perceive them. The fact that they were perceived a certain way is what is most telling of intentions. If you want an answer you can find it whenever you like, but it can only be based upon what you already know bent to the limits of your imagination. The difficulty is gauging how far beyond normal the imagination has taken the story and what purpose does it serve to take a few random thoughts to mean such extreme possibilities?
I’m just disturbed by discomforting news and I didn’t want to believe it, because I was tired of being crushed.
I have recently come across a few beliefs of mine that I have discovered to be false. Meaning something about life which I believed to be true isn’t and/or something about life I believed to be untrue actually is true. Also, I have come across something which I knew to be true, but didn’t want to believe it was true, so I assumed it couldn’t be true and tried to act upon principals which were erroneous in the end because it indeed is true. or so I have learned.
Often I disregard a harsh reality because the harshness is exposed only in infrequent and inconsequential instances. Meaning that I can continue on for quite a long time with a certain intuitive itch left unscratched because the situation has not grown to a large enough proportion to initiate action on my part. Then, the clouds part, I look to the sky with my hands up, and say “I knew it all along.”
Yes I am still learning, many things. At no point in life can I say that everything I have been learning has been learned and that I can start out fresh with a new set of things to learn. The more experience I accumulate, the more I manipulate them together in my tool box for use in current affairs. Which bothers me because some situations cannot be forgotten because of their shinning characteristics which will most definitely come in handy later, if not for myself specifically, but for someone else seeking help.
I wrote this little diddy while waiting for my car’s oil service to finish up earlier today:
“I’ve realized that, indeed, there are things that I am stressed about, but in comparison to how many things that I used to be stressed about a few years ago (School, work, goals, money, meeting my ex’s requests, drinking, etc.), I’m practically stress free. Being unable to find a proper job leaves me plenty of time all day to hang out with my friends and family and get things done and organized around the house combine that with not having to manage a relationship (which always took up so much of my ME time before my Australia adventure) and I am allowed to do the things I like and as a result my natural tendency to overload myself and put myself aside is inhibited by this circumstance.
I now focus all that energy from those past stressful happenings to tasks that greatly increase my own contentment and the happiness of others around me (at least as best I can) and so when a stressor (like loosing my Lula Bula so suddenly) pops up, it is not compounded with many other stresses of life so coping with stress is not only clear, but bearable – almost to the point that I feel guilty for not exhibiting the same level of emotionally intense responses that I typically had in the past (when I had a multitude of stressors on my plate). In fact, I shouldn’t feel guilty at all, I should enjoy that I now know what it feels like to face storm rolling through life from a healthy prospective.”
Further to that, I have noticed that many people don’t get to this level of relaxation I feel right now (Yoga 3 times a week could be part of it….). I’ve noticed that a few people I’ve met are in a cycle of reacting to stress instead of managing it. That type of situation causes them to do all sorts of things except fully enjoy themselves. For example, if one seems to have little control over many aspects of life, this can cause long term stress to remain constant to the extent that this stress level is thought to be normal. Knowing no different (I used to be this way) one may try to control the few small aspects of life that one feels are malleable and shape them to personal whims and ideas of how it should be in a perfect world. This is an illusion because you can’t control people and thus the compounding stress gets even worse.
In reality, in some way, that same energy can be used to build oneself into the person one wants to be. That would mean letting a lot of familiar emotions and reliabilities go. Taking such a leap of faith not to mention using a lot of will power can be done in a way that actually nothing is lost except the stress, that is, only if (based on my logic) such a task is approached properly and before one is pushed over one’s burn-out limit.
So I have gone through my nutritional healing book (I’ve been diving into it a lot lately…) to list some stress coping suggestions that work for me and may be able to help anyone who actually reads these notes of mine:
*****Monitor your internal conversations. The way we talk to ourselves has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves and our environment.
*****Avoid processed foods and all foods that create stress on the system, such as artificial sweeteners, carbonated soft drinks, chocolate, eggs, fried foods, junk foods, pork, red meat, sugar, chips and similar snack foods.
*****Do not repress or deny your emotions. This only compounds stress. Admit your feelings and accept them. Keeping strong feelings bottled up only causes them to resurfaces later as illness (I suggest thinking about this statement very, very carefully so see what an impact this may have had on you in the past).
*****Don’t be afraid to cry. Learning to cry can help you manage stress. Crying can relieve anxiety and lets loose bottled-up emotions.
*****Try not to take life too seriously. Learn to laugh.