I don’t think I want to get married. It is odd how difficult it is to admit. All paths on the map to get there are dead ends. Thinking about it hits my nervous system and almost makes me want to cry. But I don’t cry, maybe a slight sob will come out. I’m mourning the loss of my dreams. At one time I had thought that’s what I wanted.
The next thoughts is, “What am I going to do instead?” I think that’s where the lost cry comes from because I don’t know. I guess I will just work, save money, travel, enjoy my freedom, continue to dabble in experience with men if I met one who is interesting enough. That’s all. It can be summed up that quickly. Mourning the loss of my dreams because I have out grown them. I always had difficulty accepting that I have to grow up. I’m never fully ready for it, usually I’m way past the point when I realize what about me needs to be changed.
I still have some hope that the world with change and I will be able to see things differently, but as far as I can tell, the situation is out of my control. The guys I like don’t like me, I don’t like the guys who like me, I’m broke, so are they… I don’t enjoy feeling obligated to socialize with people, it exhausts me. I am happy the way I am with my day to day happenings. I see dating as a form of prostitution and marriage as a prison where I am damned to be the bitch he cheats on and a surrogate mother he has to ask for permission to stay out late.
Day time in Sydney can be so boring without a job since everyone is working! So I’ve found/remembered/thought of some ideas to pass the time:
Eat lychee Hi-Chew
Make up stories about people who are passing by
Find people who look like people I know
Follow blue-eyed guys with sexy walks around Darling Harbour and imagine what it would be like to take them home with me
Rent a car and cruise, though I forgot to get a map so I’m so far limited to roads I already know
Call all my friends even though I have called them 10 times already and they haven’t answered, luckily a few have stalked me before so for us stalking is a sign of love and appreciation… as for everyone else, whoopps….
Chuckle to myself at some of the 80s clothing that people wear around this town
Try not to laugh out loud while walking down the street alone
Lay out on the beach…
Imagine how my life would be different if some events had or had not happened
Sort though my day dreams
Read philosophy books and get wowed by these many interesting ways of looking at the same thing
Scheme about my future and try to figure out how to get some key ‘wants’ into it…. then get frustrated because much of it is out of my control, or if it is in my control, I seem to have messed it up by just being myself… then relax because it is better to be myself and perhaps I didn’t mess anything up. Then remind myself that what will happen, will happen, hopefully my way!
Try to live in the present after the long debacle above.
Okay I’m gonna go cruising again. Bye bye!