When I partake in a guilty pleasure, for days afterward I am hyper vigilant that someone is going to call me out on it. Typically though, I am only called out on those pleasures for which I feel no guilt. So then, why am I expecting a negative reaction when I feel as though I have done something to feel guilty over? It must just be the effects of guilt, an emotion for which there seems to be no antidote for.
I often don’t realize that I feel guilty until I start to wonder why certain memories keep flashing into my mind. At that point I simply ask myself, “why are those few seconds of life so significant?” From there I shift through all past memories which I find are associated with this reoccurring thought and deduce a common theme. Guilt is tricky though because it is not an emotional which I like to admit I feel. By having a habit of avoiding it, I find that there are many other memories that have been left untagged by the guilt category, making the mess a rather large, draining chore.
But still with guilt, is isn’t like other emotions in that acknowledging it neither fully takes away its uncomfortable residue nor does it give me new habit to practice so as to make future situations less stressful. I’m am simply left feeling guilty and knowing it.
That makes me think that my propensity to feel guilty has less to do with the actual behaviors which excited the guilt in me and more to do with a need to feel far more guilty in life than is really necessary. Therefore the guilt in me is hungry for reasons to get its fair share of my waking life and thus attaches itself to situations simply because it has greater power than a more desirable emotion like joy. While this reasoning makes sense to me, it still doesn’t dissipate my discomfort. There must be something else going on in addition to the guilt…. perhaps it will surface in another note…