I realized that my keenness to practice patience often places me beyond my comfort zone (not necessarily negative). I enjoy being patient because I like so much to see what assumptions of mine are correct and which turn out to be incorrect, or just a liitle off, etc, etc. So I sit and wait and watch until I’ve gathered enough evidence to support a social theory, which could be negative or positive. At times I throw in a little extra fuel until either an external force throws me off the scent or I get bored with the test because the signals no longer confuse me. Once the mix becomes homogenized, I stamp that layer as “solved” and begin work on the next most confusing thing, which luckily, at this moment, is myself. Swan diving into my psyche is just far more interesting once someone gives me a good reason to put my walls up.
Sometimes it is just one comment that swings the pendulum. Maybe the trait was always there, it just happened to be directed at you for once. Maybe it will only happen once in a while but because of the extremeness of the comment you can’t help but to wonder if perhaps it was just the beginning of flood gates opening. In that case, it is cautious to steer clear of the river valley.
But it draws a line there and puts up a score board. How many times is the line going to be crossed before I don’t want to deal with it anymore? I just have to wait and see. But this is the problem I’ve had in the past: I wait and see for too long, so long that I’m so exhausted that I just want to shut the door and brick over the entrance.
I just don’t think I have a right to tell people that I think they are full of shit. Yes maybe it is just a phase and they haven’t realized how life has affected their personality contra to mine; I’m tired of waiting out those storms too. I wouldn’t want someone coming into my world and telling me I’m going about things all wrong, because I know- just as much as other know about themselves- that things are just fine and functioning enjoyably. People in themselves know what parts of their life aren’t optimal, they don’t need to hear how much worse those things are making it on people around them because there is probably not much they can fully do about it right now.
I’ve just lost the coping skill that should enable me to think of social bullshit in a non-momentous way. Why am I even thinking of it at all? Why can’t I just let it pass and not feel like I need to prepare myself for it to happen again? Because it happens a lot and I can’t have a good time when I’m constantly having to watch my behavior or words to shelter myself from some sort of attack.
I keep glancing back and forth between the word “passion” written on my right hand and the word “patience” written on my left hand. Perhaps the confliction between the two wouldn’t be so difficult if I weren’t able to write with both hands.