Tag Archives: point in time

Fuel for Dream Worlds

Fuel for Dream Worlds

New people can always wait, or so, I have recently found, is the best policy.  I didn’t always have that policy though, and I should have, especially with a few key individuals.  Funny how being open doesn’t have the same connotation as it once did.  I used to be so closed off, then all of a sudden I was way open and met some really cool people, through whom I have gradually realized I should be a bit more closed off.  Is it me or is it them?  The difficulty is that, in the beginning, people are always excited about new people with whom they share some sort of connection (or even a “spark” if they’re lucky) with.

That spark helps, it does… but it doesn’t mean that person is not going to treat you in a manner you deem as disrespectful.  It just means that you’re going to get a bit too close to someone too fast before you can gauge any real connectivity between the two of you.  Unless, of course, you can develop the ability to hold back a bit.  Yes, the Sparkers are on your radar more so than any others. Yes, you want to spend more time with them and get more information about them to fill your dream world with wonderful day dreams where this new person is the star player.  But no, you shouldn’t do that.  I was once told that it is not healthy to meditate/think in-depth about an actual person, now I understand why.

You can tell when another person has done this (used your essence for dream world fuel) about you, because at some point in time they will tell you all about how disappointed they are in you.  They will claim that the type of person they perceived you to be in the beginning is actually much different from the person they are speaking to only a few weeks later and they are no longer interested in you because of it.

When this happens, you must question your role in the equation, because in no way has your true character EVER been given a chance.  People (myself included) use the real world as fuel for their own internal dreamworld and it is best to identify this trait in individuals before you start making clouded judgments about them.

If anyone ever claims that you possess any personality traits which are completely opposite of who you know yourself to be, then, I am sorry to tell you, but you have fallen victim to a delusional mind.  There are no words that can convince the person of the type of person you actually are, because they already made up their mind as to who you are to them.  And who you are to a person is all they will LET you be to them.

The words are only a way to pass time while they come to terms with the fact that you aren’t who they want/need you to be, therefore the words mean nothing, so don’t get stuck on them.  Actions and body language are all that matter.

Difficulty in Answering Questions About the Future

Difficulty in Answering Questions About the Future

I get nervous when people start heavily interrogating me about my point of view or what I want in life. Sure in an interview these are questions I can answer fairly solidly (or at least I think so because I’ve been hired), but just in everyday life from friends or coworkers I get really paranoid.

I begin to wonder “Why are they asking me this?” or “What difference does it make?” My difficulty with such questions is that people tend to use my answers to forecast some future event and they forget that life doesn’t pass exactly as planned and that perhaps events in the future may inhibit something I have planned from happening.

I think people get fixated on needing to know about the part of their future that revolves around me because of some difficulty in coping with how uncertain life can be.  Anyway I am hesitant to even answer some questions. Especially questions about what I want in the future. How can you receive answers to that type of question seriously? Sure I may want “A” at the moment, but that is because I have no idea that “B” will happen and make me want “C” more than “A.”

Do you see that there is no good answer to questions about the future? Life works like this: You have elements in life such as skills, knowledge, connections, past times, assets, etc. At any given point in time you have a finite amount of life elements at your disposal, therefore you will make decisions based on the present elements as a way of heading toward desired elements. But those desired elements, which you hope to have in your future, do not exist in your life now, and may never exist exactly as you postulate because you are only creating an idea about future life-elements based on the present elements you have in life.

You don’t know what else you are going to encounter that may make you change your plans and neither do your friends. So in trying to answering people’s questions about the future, you leave out the unknown, because that is what people want to hear. “Based on what I know now….I will probably do…blah blah blah.” Nod and smile and change the subject….

Then as time passes, you just go with the flow and perfect the art of collecting elements that complement who you want to be.

Unlearning

Unlearning

At some point in time you realize that the ideas and opinions you learned from other people are just other people’s ideas and opinions that you learned from them. You can essentially unlearn them and be no worse off than if you had continued to assume they are the best way of approaching certain aspects of life.

The unlearning process is kinda fun, well, it is once you get over the initial stage of realizing what an idiot you were to actually thinking some ridiculous ways of viewing the world were actually a good idea.

I think the best part of unlearning is confronting the reasons you had in the first place for learning something from specific people. Sometimes I was just forced to put up with a person’s opinions because I wanted to hang out with that person and thus, through repetition, learned to agree with their ideology. Or I just thought the person was so cool and interesting that I just naturally uploaded aspects of them. Regardless, once life alters course some of the information learned from past people isn’t applicable to life anymore, and that is the point where I see faults in preconceived notions. Finding fault in things is definitely a sign that I have grown out of old ideas, otherwise I wouldn’t be aware of how it doesn’t fit into my way of thinking.

It gets funny when I put two and two together and see the bigger picture of why other people formed some of their ideas back then. Often they were out of some sort of rebellion or addiction and the person just happened to be so adamant about their perceived rightness over the subject that there was no real need or reason to question them. The funniest one is the alcoholic explaining why being sober is so unappealing and why people who don’t drink much are boring. But now I just can’t help but laugh because I used to get so bored drinking and being stuck at someone’s house all night. No wonder I would fall asleep early at gatherings…. I was bored and trapped in my drunken state of mind without the ability to safely drive myself to a more exciting location. Then ‘d spend half the next day recovering from a hangover instead of actually getting out and doing something active. I didn’t seek out something better to do because I’d be going away from what my crowd was doing. Now I realize that there are way more productive ways to spend my time that make me feel like I am accomplishing something as opposed to doing what someone else wants to do because I feel like I need to spend time with this person to be their friend. I guess I learned to enjoy hobbies and have yet to find a reason to unlearn that.

How you Know a Relationship is Dead

How you Know a Relationship is Dead

There comes a point in already damaged relationships where I realize that I am not equipped to deal with a person’s entire view of life and how they react to it. I realize that I have been treading water for a very, very long time because I had nothing better to do and the phone happened to ring.

My breaking point happened in less than one sentence. In those few words I found my out. I found the one thing that pushed beyond the limits and is in fact unforgivable. Not because I am stubborn, but because it showed me the hidden side, the frustrated side, the side that was unwilling to take my side.

Why? I can only guess. My guess is that someone just thinks it is okay to say such a thing to me because they learned to treat people that way at one point in time. And that is preciously what I am not equipped to deal with.

I have never had anyone say such a thing to me before because the people who care about me do not say such things. I see a bigger picture that actually has nothing to do with me personally. I just happened to provide an outlet for this type of dramatic behavior to play upon and of all the possible reactions that could have been played out, that was the one which was thrown my way. And I am relieved because I know I am no longer going to put up with it, I am finally done.

Following the Herd

Following the Herd

Since I’ve had the jolly of living the retired life along with my parents for the past too many months I have really realized how beneficial it is to take time to actually live my life as I would naturally do without all the external stuff stimulating me (job, lots of friends around, obligations, etc.), funny how in an instant I realized that I achieved yet another old goal that I had forgotten about. Something to smile about because now I can fully move on to other things.

Despite so many great books and stories written about people who go off away from their constant numbness of the life they’ve been thus far living, I don’t think people really realize what they are missing by constantly doing what is expected of them. A break from that really has done me well in restoring myself up to a fairly stress free platform, I owe that to the fact that I never got to the point of throwing everything away, I’ve managed to merely step aside briefly and continue on properly without being too haunted…. or if I am haunted by anything, I take pride in knowing that what haunts me is definitely a choice of mine that has allowed the haunting because I can use that haunting in my everyday life, such things drive people to be better people.

Perhaps I’ll move on to something that isn’t so obvious at least not to me at one point in time or another. I enjoy thinking about humans as if they are some other kind of animal… I ask myself, how are we like ants in an ant hill? like schools of fish, like a pack of dogs, like any animal structure really, and lately more so like a herd animal. Nietzsche was the first one who was able to explain this concept to me in a way that I understood the broad idea, not just know about it as one knows a trivia fact, but really understand it to the point of being aware of the aspects of life that are like living in a herd of animals. So what then? okay, I understand the comparison between humans and basic herd animals, what do I do with this new level of understanding how and why people relate to each other?

What I am going to do about something or how am I going to use it is the important part here. ‘Understanding’ is the foundation; to understand for me is to fully live this new understanding, to see it in the most basic aspects of life, like the beach, the mall, my house, etc. From there it is only inside of me and for my enjoyment, but now that I have embraced and felt this new way of looking at the world I cannot help but to express it, not just in a note like this one, but more by using it to solve problems and make things better. It is a systematic thing really, all done in the abstract screen of my mind; I zoom out on a situation and break down its fundamental parts and flaws then analyze its contents separate from each other, only then can I fully understand yet another underlying root in how things work. It is my method for being good things I do. Once you are aware of yourself can you actually apply it to other aspects of life, but those details from me are unnecessary, your life is far more interesting to you than mine is.

I read an interesting trivia fact that the human eye is pretty much blind while in motion, only when it is able to focus can it actually communicate to the brain what is in front of it. Our lives operate much like this. We cannot fully understand what we are doing or have done until we take some time out and mull over the pieces. Someone who is reading this says,” yeah duh, I do that on the weekend or vacations,” but dude, I must tell you that once you realize that you are doing what the rest of the people around you are doing, then you too are sucked in, and of course you like it, no one wants to believe that the system they have spent their whole lives striving for actually has very sick limbs.

Considering the education of the masses is only a few hundred years old, I’d say the most of us are still surfs or slaves only instead of directly beating us, we are ‘made use of’ by the constant usage of a higher power over us. Striving for happiness is how we have trained ourselves to stay in the mindset of slave or surf, work hard and give yourself up for the greater good of your life and you will be rewarded. I’ll win the lottery if I submit to this? brilliant, sign me up. Question to ask youself: are you blind to the fact you are in a herd and blind to the effect of yourself?

The View of the City Lights

The View of the City Lights

We were just getting ready to leave the restaurant in Bondi, at the time I didn’t really know where Bondi was, other than it was outside of Sydney and obviously on the coast because it was actually called Bondi Beach, pronounced “bond eye”.

At the moment, I can’t remember much of what we were talking about in detail aside from the fact that it was the basic things I guess people would talk about on a date, though I wouldn’t know if that is accurate because the last actual formal date I had been on was when I was 16, and that doesn’t really count because I had already known that guy for a long time.

I do remember listening to something more awesome sounding than music music, an accent. I wasn’t really nervous, because I tend not to take serious situations seriously sometimes unless they get super serious.  I could tell he was a bit nervous at times (or maybe I can say that later because he told me that he was nervous at some point in time way later).

Okay fine I do remember something we talked about that I’d just like to forget him asking me about, “So where is your boyfriend? Why are you traveling alone?”

Stab to the heart, I didn’t want to talk about it, the rule I read someplace is “Don’t talk about the ex to new guys, especially on dates.” Oh well, the lightest answer I could come up with was, “he abandoned me, we were supposed to move someplace together, but I was busy and he didn’t want to wait so he left, then I came here.” After saying it I realized from the look on his face that it wasn’t a very light answer, but at that point it was a sunk cost I had to deal with and people were going to know, I just wanted to avoid the excess emotions attached to it and enjoy the night.

We left the restaurant and took the long way back to the car by walking the board walk. He told me about the place and pointed out a romantic spot where he used to dance with his ex girlfriend.

“At least I’m not the only one bringing up the ex, must not be such a general rule,” I thought to myself. I also thought, “why don’t we dance there now?” but didn’t say it out loud because I figured he’d ask me if he wanted to and he didn’t so I wasn’t going to change his plans.

From there we drove up the hill to a park that over looked the Sydney skyline. I was going to sit down on the grass, but he told me to wait while he took off his jacket and started putting it on the ground for me to sit on. I told him is wasn’t necessary, but he insisted that it was leather and that it was fine.

So there I was, watching the city lights….falling in love again.