Tag Archives: present moment

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love

“At every moment of my life there open before me divers possibilities: I can do this or that. If I do this, I shall be A the moment after; if I do that, I shall be B. At the present moment the reader may stop reading me or may go on. And, however slight the importance of this article, according as he does the one or the other, the reader will be A or will be B…If the reader has resolved now to go on reading into the next moment, it will be, in the last instance, because doing this is what is most in accordance with the general program he has mapped out for his life, and hence with the man of determination he has resolved to be.” – Ortega

I sense that people put too much of their own well-being on the shoulders of others. We forget at times that the people in our lives are just that, people. They are living their own lives while expressing their compounded experience as it has affected them and just as prone to mishap and misunderstanding as anyone else.

Our social structure is lacking (there is much more to real life than what the TV has conditioned you to notice and react to). It is no ones fault. If we continue to place the burden of our own happiness on people’s reactions to us, we will most certainly be let down in some way, at some time. Why? Because there is no ‘supposed to,’ no one is supposed to do anything. Actions have to come from within and once a person is placed in a situation to ‘act’ on what is expected, disappointment will result either within the person who masks himself by conforming or in the social sphere that made the action a requirement for acceptance.

Then there comes blame. Should a friend not comply with the group standards he is blamed, most horridly, behind his back by those he once thought to be the best of friends. They aren’t the best of friends, if they were, they would sit down and work out with him what has caused this confusion, instead they sit in a circle with uppity fire behind their eyes, taking turns to spill out the green ooze of turning ones back on a close friend by each, in turn, sharing from their ‘oh so high and mighty points of view’ (keep in mind these are his condemners here, who believe that their methods and approached to life are by far the best!) why and how he has let them down. Are people so bored and pathetic that they must pick at living aspects of their surroundings for their entertainment and emotional highs?

How does this make sense? How can someone live up to expectations that you put on them? Expectations that you require as entry into your world, that are based on your own experiences… not his! Had you not expected those things of him, perhaps you would not have been let down and perhaps you would actually see all the times he was there for you. Who was there during all those times you just wanted someone to talk to, to listen to you, or to hang out with? Who was it that you drank with and laughed with and made memories with? Who was it? and now you sit there building your bonds of hatred against someone who has done nothing wrong, but simply been himself. Perhaps, if something went astray, he actually needs you to be there for him this time…and all you’ve done is just….talk….shiiit….

“Behind the bitterness…is concealed the belief that harmony will be reestablished of itself once evil has been ejected. [The] task therefore is purely negative: there is no question of building a society but only of purifying the one that exists.” – Sartre

On Mixed Emotions and Anger as Unfulfilled Desire

On Mixed Emotions and Anger as Unfulfilled Desire

While listening to ‘The Wind’ by Cat Stevens and organizing the sewing room – which is a huge huge project – I was thinking about my life (as I tend to do every minute I find a distraction that doesn’t require socializing) and following down my internal checklist of ‘happiness with myself’ and making mental notes of how I could have better handled certain past situations that are probably of highly insignificant value to most others, but I try to get detailed in my behavior so as not to confuse others on my intentions, but uh…I can’t seem to manage this, I seem to be running a program in opposition to what I really feel. This ‘program’ of reactions really only happens when a select few emotions are in the dominate forefront of my life. For example, since I’ve been home I have this cloud of anger hovering over me. Sure at times I feel happy or excited or content or any other emotion that isn’t compatible with anger, but that unfulfilled desire, that hole of not getting or being able to grasp what I had set my heart on, bubbles up from time to time and causes me to do all sorts of strange behaviors that are seemingly unconnected to anything in the present moment.

Someone once told me that it is ‘crazy’ to cry at things like an aluminum coke can flying onto the hood of my car on the freeway. After assessing that the damage was barely noticeable, I admit, the tears were perhaps unnecessary, but they were the bubbling up of my ‘fear’ of having to drive a shitty looking car around because, at the time, I, didn’t have enough money to fix it. Now I realize that, no, I’m not crazy, I’m just more emotional about things I care about and spend a lot of effort taking care of. There is nothing wrong with that, I just need to save the tears for more empathetic company, which I was really good at, but I just thought, in this instance, I was safe to display my real emotions. Or perhaps I just wanted to feel safe and more connected by doing so, so I gave it a try.

Now the real issue is, what is wrong with driving a shitty looking car around? That type of thinking escaped me in the moment; my arrogance perhaps needed a bit of a tune down.

So, to sum it up: emotions like fear, anger, happiness, etc. sometimes hold a dominate grasp on different chunks of time in life, get out of control because they are stronger for the time, bubble out, and leave me trying to explain how I have been misunderstood. After-the-fact explaining gets difficult because there tends to be many, many things going on in the mind in split seconds that really have no words, at least not until years later.