My imagination depresses me. It shows me so much possibility in the world, but when I open my eyes and take a look around, I’m often completely unsatisfied with what I see. On the inside are my goals and dreams, on the outside are the actual tools to accomplish and realize those goal and dreams. Unfortunately, just because the tools are there doesn’t mean that they will be willing to come to my assistance. I always seem to dream one step beyond what i can actually find in the world, hence the depression. This depression always accompanies the resentment because “this is all I can get?!?!? the best I can do?” I just want to step into the world and pick up all the pieces that so nicely fit together to form my life puzzle. This often takes more work, more money, and more energy than I forecast and often leaves me with extra parts and relationships that serve no other purpose but to annoy me. I think I could cope better with more work, more expenses, and more energy being expelled if the “good enough” clingers didn’t drain me dry in the process. It is sad that some people think that love and friendship is in the air when all I did was say hi and have a conversation. I’m sick of being taken advantage of because I enjoy being nice to people. A smile, a glance, and a few conversations mean nothing; nothing other than the fact that you’re speaking with a girl who took etiquette classes in junior high. If all it takes for you to think you like someone is their manners, then I suggest therapy, because you don’t know what love is and you’ll keep getting in people’s way in the process.
In trying to differentiate what makes someone attractive or not, I can only come up with one solid reason for why I would choose to spend more time with a person. (by attractive I mean any type of attribute which naturally [meaning subconsciously] causes me to hangout with somebody [as a friend, acquaintance, boyfriend, etc.) That one solid attribute is the fact that the image of myself which they project back to me is in line with my own esteem for myself. Yes, having things in common is a magnet (at least until we exhaust that topic) but it won’t really form any real bond because there are lots of people with whom I share many hobbies so that doesn’t, in itself, make one person stand out. It can be annoying actually, when people push and push the things we have in common down my throat, like, we may have the topic in common, but our style of talking about it clearly isn’t in common, but that’s another issue.
I think it is much more difficult to project a positive image of a person when there is too much emotion attached to them. So over time, longer relationships tend to dull out from the accumulated moments of another person projecting back at you a negative view of yourself. It is the learning exchange. You’re happy when another person picks up on a fun social game that you play because, well, you like that game and you like that you have someone to play it with. But once you see how they learned some of your negative habits, the fun is over. Because you know what they are doing because you taught it to them. They didn’t throw that psychological ball at you before because most likely they didn’t know it yet or they didn’t know it would work until something you did subconsciously clued them in.
At that point, you’re sitting there watching parts of yourself that you dislike being tossed right back at you with a devious smile and life for those moments doesn’t get any worse. You sit there, letting your body entertain the bitter body across the table from you while your mind tries to figure out what went wrong. The situation is so subtle that it isn’t worth being frank about it because it can easily be denied. But you know for sure you pissed someone off somewhere along the way and this is how they step up to the plate about it.
This is why it is good to give people time. You need to see if the positive image of yourself they usually reflect is still maintained when they are under stress because of you.
I understand. One thing I’ve noticed is that I can never form strong relationships with the people who I feel like I’d have a connection with, so I’m stuck hanging out with the more uninteresting people who are more accessible. I just think that I don’t naturally understand friendship. As kids we were forced to hang out with people and build bonds, but now as adults we can do our own thing and I find it difficult to merge my “own thing” with someone else’s “own thing”. Don’t get me wrong though, I am happier now that I do not have any close friends: life is drama-free, time passes smoothly, I’m focused on school, my career, and hobbies without anyone reminding me of my failures whenever I’m celebrating a success.
I never understood why people choose to tell me in person that I need to be more like someone else. If you prefer someone else, then go hang out with them, because if you think you’re more compatible with a different type of person, the feeling is most likely mutual. People come and go, and I’ve noticed that if I’m just open to new people I find a real gem of a person to hang out with every year or so. Sounds few and far between, I’ve learned to just keep my eyes open and enjoy the few enjoyables while their life is in sync with mine. In the mean time, I stay out of the personal lives of people I don’t feel a spark for while striving to be a good person.
The difficulty in assessing the correct answer to the question: “What the Hell Happened?” is that most of the time I am still inside the situation when I start asking that question.
It isn’t until the situation dies down, to a practically non-existant level, that I can look back and see the starting line more clearly, then I realize where it all went awkward. In hindsight, my first clue to most ackward interactions with people was in fact the first real interaction of the era. Relationships (of any kind or magnitude) have eras, each of which have distinct characteristcs and levels of involvement which can and often do fluctuate.
So the awkwardness usually starts at the beginning of pivotal points, either when first realizing that the human body presenting itself to me actually is more than a typical drone/robot, when starting to hang out with someone again after a long period of not hanging out with that person, or when moving from acquaintance to friend. Anyways, in two cases, I have to admit, I honestly loved the awkwardness of it. I think it is fun and flirty. The real spark of this writing situation, however, just plain sucked because it was set up vaguely from the start and remained that way the entire time. I was confused. In wondering why everything was so vague, I realized that it was me in the first place who kept playing along despite the fact that I can’t handle vagueness with people. My brain fills in the gaps with a bunch of paranoid crap that makes me delete phone numbers because I have no way of ever knowing if I will ever actually get to know certain people who keep appearing in my life. Perhaps a post on “timing” or “people who don’t talk but still want to communicate” would be more appropriate.
Oh well, the sun is already coming up in another world, I’m sure it won’t take long to find out what is weird about this one. There is always something weird, one must just be patient and wait for it to manifest and then choose whether or not the person is worth the weirdness and if I am capable of living with their issues.
There comes a point in already damaged relationships where I realize that I am not equipped to deal with a person’s entire view of life and how they react to it. I realize that I have been treading water for a very, very long time because I had nothing better to do and the phone happened to ring.
My breaking point happened in less than one sentence. In those few words I found my out. I found the one thing that pushed beyond the limits and is in fact unforgivable. Not because I am stubborn, but because it showed me the hidden side, the frustrated side, the side that was unwilling to take my side.
Why? I can only guess. My guess is that someone just thinks it is okay to say such a thing to me because they learned to treat people that way at one point in time. And that is preciously what I am not equipped to deal with.
I have never had anyone say such a thing to me before because the people who care about me do not say such things. I see a bigger picture that actually has nothing to do with me personally. I just happened to provide an outlet for this type of dramatic behavior to play upon and of all the possible reactions that could have been played out, that was the one which was thrown my way. And I am relieved because I know I am no longer going to put up with it, I am finally done.
Some of my nuttiness stems from my belief that if I am not satisfied with what’s going on around me then I must do something about it in order to achieved a more desirable state of being.
The problem with this is that I am not always able to assess the aspects of my situation to realize where I actually do not the have power to change things. So then I keep trying and trying and trying again and end up just being somewhat pushy (or at least thinking that I have overstepped some sort of boundary) until I find something else to focus that energy on. This explains some of the strange things I end up doing or saying in the presence of newer friends (I already have boundaries with the old ones, that’s why I like them). When I have energy for a person, I really can’t handle not knowing where I stand with them and even worse not being in the most desirable positioning relative to them.
So my pushiness is generally in response to me seeing that there is a problem that I think I can solve through different techniques and approaches (letting the energy out as best I can), or…. I cannot solve the problem but don’t realize that the solution is beyond my means.
Aside from pushiness I have really one other approach. Completely backing off and living with the problem in my own head (holding the energy in). The silent time allows me to really think about it and make analogies to the past so I can reassess what is going on as well as get some practical stuff done in the rafters.
The problem with this “in your face, now I’m hiding” behavior is that I completely disregard the fact that some people like having other people around all the time and a sudden absence leaves a huge veil of uncertainty hovering. Me being completely unaware of the veil of uncertainty, jump right back into relationships where I left off, all happy and content because I’ve solved some puzzles of life in my head while I was away. While the person I return to, is more than just a little confused.
Sensing their confusing, I see another problem and thus either push through it or retreat again. I can’t seem to find a middle ground.
Most of my friends, I’d say, have cool friends… who I find fun to hang out with and get to know. But a few times in the past I’ve been stuck having to hang out with someone who I don’t particularly enjoy just so I can hang out with my cool friend. When put in that situation all sorts of thoughts run through my head. this included the thought that maybe my friend has horrible taste in people, then I realize that they have chosen me as a friend, so…. what does that say about me if they have horrible taste in friends? Then I realize that some people are just social whores who have a very basic definition of what a friend actually is and therefore have heaps of acquaintances whom they refer to as friends. Since I normally can’t function coherently in diluted relationships I rule out that explanation as well, because, I wouldn’t be there if I felt the relationship was diluted.
The worst though, is when one of those friend of friends points out things about me that they don’t like. All of a sudden my friend sees me through the prospective of their friend who obviously isn’t compatible with me otherwise I wouldn’t dread hanging out with that person. “yeah, you know what.?.?. You’re right, she is like that” my friend says to their friend. The conversation probably continues on as they build together their agreement about me- which serves as a private bond between them from which they are able to read each other’s silent facial expressions, in my presence, confirming their private conclusions about me.
At that point I realize that my friend whore is either not capable of monitoring their own influences or they are willing to find any reason under the sun to relate to their friend more, even that the expense of me. I have seen it both ways. The end result is usually my distance, which I don’t mind at that point because I will do anything not to have to hang out with that friend of my former friend, what a relief!
Another shitty thing is when a friend can only think I am as cool as his friends say I am. You will see this when you meet new friends whose friends have already heard A LOT about you, and I mean A LOT. Like these people can tell you about yourself for 5 drunken minutes. So there you are on your pedestal, freaked out because you’re only that cool to that one person because he fills a specific friend role for you and you tend to treat that archetypal role much different than people you just met at a party. So inevitably, you get a lectured later on what everyone at the party thought of you and/or what you should work on for next time as if you are socially challenged.
So it was my mistake I shouldn’t have subjected myself to these parties because I didn’t go to the party to hang out with THEM, I was there because YOU invited ME and I like hanging out with YOU. So cut me some slack for passing out early because the friend whores at your parties are boring.
I’ve been flashing backwards and drawing parallels between similar events that happened at different times and I’ve come to the conclusion (with my capitalist hat on) that starting things with proper footing will, for the most part, be the best way to map out a smooth course.
If you’re not one to want smooth courses in life then, well, you’re ridiculous because you can’t make your WHOLE life difficult for yourself can you? Maybe you can, but do you want to? I get exhausted and in the process exhaust my fellow bipeds when I’ve made things more difficult than I could have. I agree that sometimes difficulty is actually a blessing, especially on road trips where difficulty brings about unexpected adventure…. but there are somethings, for me, that will be adventure enough without reoccurring problems and bad behaviors stemming from not having started off with the correct footing.
The way I see it is that if part of my life starts off one way, in one set of circumstances then it might end a similar way when a new part of life starts. Happens all the time with hobbies. I was making a pair of pants once and they ended up not fitting properly so I never finished them, in my frustration over why I couldn’t get the pattern to fit right I started crocheting a scarf. So I used my new absorption in the new hobby as an excuse not to confront issues with the previous one.
Eventually I had 5 or 6 unfinished projects laying around that I had spent money on and every time I looked into the sewing room there they were calling out “FINISH ME, FINISH ME.” But when the going got difficult I put them aside in that dark room and used another project to give me something to look forward to. It was only way later that I actually sorted through all those unfinished high school projects and finished them. Now I’m free and can start a new project for the sake of getting it done instead of trying to distract me from where I screwed up in the past
Works the same with relationships…..say, for example, I make a new friend, but our friendship actually evolved because the other party was angry at their best friend. The activities that my new friend and I do began around him telling me the horrible side of his soon-to-be-former-friend.
I listen while my new friend tells the soon-to-be-former that he is doing their favorite activities with me instead and am relieved when his former friend declines the invitation to join us. I listen as my new friend hangs up the phone after saying bye in a seemingly friendly voice and says “Bitch, Ha!” Nonetheless he’s hanging out with me and we’re having a good time so what’s the harm? Their problems have nothing to do with me. Then time passes and that whole situation is practically forgotten in our minds… until… until… I notice the same behavior but this time I am on the other end… I am the soon to be former friend.
Had I not been dealing with the same objects in the respect to each other then this theory would fall apart. So I see it happen, I know how my friend treated his former best friend, I was there I saw what role I played and I can see who is playing the former Me. So in this case I would recommend, not starting a relationship of any kind with someone who uses you as backup to finish off another because in my experience it has too much potential to be a reoccurring behavioral response to certain conditions (if it worked before, why not again?) and you will either see it coming or wonder what point in your life you’ll be at when it does and who else it will effect.
Call it capitalist efficiency if you like, or call it peace of mind, or call it being able to finish what you start, or call it shaping your life into what you want it to be, or call it not being weak, or call it placing reliability on yourself instead of on other things or people…. anything except “just because.”
I got back a piece of myself just now…well a ‘piece’ isn’t quite right, more like: I got back a Zoroish mask of myself just now, perhaps a combining of masks actually….just let me explain, I’ll get to the core of this while I write. Throughout today the mask slowly assembled, it started with a phone call at the way too early hour of 9:30am, no wait….that was yesterday…or was it on Monday? Hmmm…so, okay the mask has been building for two or three days now. Moving on.
Larry and Adam called to see if I could come with them to pick up Adam’s car from the shop to bring it home. “Finally, an opportunity for some adventure,” I thought to myself. After working out the logistics of our intended maneuver, we succeeded in getting the ’76 Civic back to Adam’s house. The details of which aren’t as interesting as what the team effort brought out from inside me that hadn’t come out in a very very very long time. It felt great to do so simple of a task with friends who I wouldn’t trust with everything (i.e. driving my car), but that I know in which ways I CAN trust. This ‘CAN’ makes all the difference.
There is a lot of testing with newer friends that has already been accomplished time and time again in the older ones. We know each others strengths and each other’s weaknesses and it is exciting when we know how to overlap the two to cover for each other, in a seamless, high style fashion. It is just that feeling of being deep on the inside of relationships with those around me and not being so conscious of the connection and relation we have with one another. That was the first piece of my mask…lets say the right eye.
The second piece, the left eye, fell into place while talking to Lavina on the phone. I realized that I hadn’t heard her voice in almost 2 and a half years. And all I can say is that I felt like a fairy was hovering above my head sprinkling me with the most soothing, sparkling magic dust and it took me to new heights.
The third piece, the nose, fell into place while hanging out in ‘The Backyard’ tonight. I was back in action, fulfilling my old shoes (figuratively and literally speaking because I put on my old tennis shoes and some toes socks, I hadn’t worn close toed shoes in over a month, felt awesome and warm) while managing to bring in so many new aspects of myself that are now naturally coming out of me and fitting in nicely to the social matrix at hand.
At this point I could hold the mask up to my face and see through it, but it wasn’t until the strap that holds it on fell into place that I felt this extremely full feeling of being complete within myself.
There I was in my mismatching/striped toe-socks, with glasses on, my jeans constantly sagging down past my butt crack (all this yoga melts me), wearing a puffy blue jacket, and my hair in a pony tail, dancing in my kitchen using the back window of the house as my mirror, all while waiting for the kettle to boil water for my tea. I’m not sure how much time had passed in this classic Stephanie state-of-existing when the strap of my mask finally *snapped* it into place and held it there long enough for me to glimpse myself in the mirror, just being myself and honestly enjoying myself.
It is good to be back.