Tag Archives: rush

Feeling Memories

Feeling Memories

I was just sitting, internalized, on my bed curled up in a ball, swaying ever so slightly, meditating my hardest to remember where I put my GMAT score report so I can finish another part of my Grad School Application. Completely stumped, my mind skipped like a rock over the water of other thoughts that I figured might trigger the location of the report paper. Nonetheless the rock fell into the water on a particular topic of thought that I often revisit when I’m in a frustrated internal state and need a smile.

The specific moment of the thought-topic was of no surprise to me… the memory consisted of me in a different, yet sorta similar, sitting pose, gazing intently at the living image in front of me, for how long, I do not know… it seemed like an eternity, yet probably only a few seconds. In that memory I swayed, eyes fixed, ever so slightly as well, but as a fidget, rather than habit, from an over bubbling rush of a feeling that I knew must exist yet honestly had never expected to experience.

At that point I was reliving it again, feeling the flash behind my eyes as the bright blue pierced into me, the intent rush of amazement, then came the realization that it was too late, it took me by surprise, I didn’t intend to fall in love like this – in this way, I should never have gotten myself in this situation and let this happen, it’s not safe. I must have let my guard down somewhere, in sometime, but it was too late for that and yet oh so soon all at the same time. Maybe I put that paper in my night stand. No, not there either. Thank god for The Giver.

Good Quotes or Ideas or Just Pieces that Fit My Perspective

Good Quotes or Ideas or Just Pieces that Fit My Perspective

Sometimes patterns in words come about at just the right timing….

“The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labor….As for this myth, one sees merely the whole effort of a body straining to raise the huge stone, to roll it and push it up a slope a hundred times over…Then Sisyphus watches the stone rush down in a few moments toward that lower world whence he will have to push it up again” – The myth of Sisyphus – Camus

“The greatest stress. How, if someday or night a demon were to sneak after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you, ‘This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything immeasurably small or great in your life must return to you – all in the same succession and sequence – even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned over and over, and you with it, a dust grain of dust.’ Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or did you once experience a tremendous moment when you would have answered him, ‘You are a god, and never have I heard anything more godly.’ If this thought were to gain possession of you, it would change you, as you are, or perhaps crush you. The question in each and everything. ‘Do you want this once more and innumerable time more?’ would weigh upon your actions as the greatest stress. Or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?” – Nietzsche

“We discover that we do not know our role; we look for a mirror; we want to remove our make-up and take off what is false and be real. But somewhere a piece of disguise that we forgot still sticks to us. A trace of exaggeration remains in out eyebrows; we do not notice that the corners of our mouth are bent. And so we walk around, a mockery and a mere half: neither having achieved being or actors.” – Rilke

“She was extremely glad to escape at last; she went away, looking down, hurrying to get out of sight as soon as possible, to walk the twenty steps to the turning on the right and to be at last alone, and then moving rapidly along, looking at no one, noticing nothing, to think, to remember, to meditate on every word, every detail. Never, never has she felt anything like this…a whole new world was opening before her.” – Dostoevsky

“I believe that, after thousands and millions of years, someone had to realize that this wonderful world of mountains and oceans, suns and moons, galaxies and nebulae, plants and animals, exists.” – Jung

There has got to be more….

Recalling a time I did something to get noticed

Recalling a time I did something to get noticed

To be honest, I don’t think whiskey and I ever really got along as well as I tend claim despite the many moments when I felt a rush of excitement at the Jameson bottle cap click-clicking open or the crackle-crackle of the ice cubes in a glass warming up to their new roommate. The look on a strange, new face as I perform the classic sip-and-swish with a feminine smile of harsh satisfaction combined with a fleeting eye-to-eye flash, is, definitely, reason enough to enjoy the old man’s medicine.

All was grand until whiskey and I had a major falling out. You see it has this way of making me believe that what I am feeling deep down inside is, more or less, rational and that the company I am with will totally understand and agree that there is a problem and they will help me resolve misunderstandings with it. On top of that, it makes me believe that expressing what I am feeling in the most abrupt and, at times, explosive manner is the best idea ever. “After all,” whiskey tells me, “your true friend (a) will understand what actions have lead you to feel this way, (b) knows that feelings aren’t facts, and (c) realizes that at this moment in time, there is no way to sugar coat the fact that it hurts you to have to hear about ‘her’ all-the-time.” Being starved of proper outlets of natural emotion, especially frustration, in my normal awareness, whiskey provided me with an outlet which, I found, works well to weed out those who think solely about themselves under the guise of thinking for themselves, at price, of course.