Tag Archives: sake

On Writing, Socially Bored, and the Need to Repeat

On Writing, Socially Bored, and the Need to Repeat

There is something in writing that I can find in no human being.  It is the ability to express myself as needed, as often as I need to.  Socializing requires me to be too much of an actress.  Too many social situations are governed by behaviors that I, for the longest time, believe were simply the way things had to be done.  It is not that these social rules are too strict or that I have a different way of approaching situations… it is that I do not get much out of them.  They are not productive in ways that I need them to be in order to feel happy and refreshed after a social encounter.

I find the best example in conversation repeats.  People (myself included) get uncomfortable when they hear that same story or example told by the same person, over and over again.  We all do it, so why is it that none of us allow each other to do it.  There is a totally obvious social behavior that people exhibit when they’ve heard what you are saying before (actually there are a few, some nicer than others) but those behaviors are not the point.  The point is that the bigger the impression something made on you, the more often you feel the need to express it.  Like wearing the same shirt a few times in the same week because you like the design, the way it fits, or how soft it is…someone is sure to notice you wore that recently.  Whether or not they choose to comment is irrelevant, it is the fact that we notice eachother’s repeats and are disturbed by it.

A better example is conversation…I need to tell/rethink some of the same stories because they made a huge impression on me and I do not want to see that look on other people’s face when I have once again found a relevant reason to bring up a certain subject.  It is on my mind…more so, most likely, than most people who are in front of my eyes.

I guess it depends on if the people are conversing for the sake of presenting themselves to society or for the sake of interacting with the people around them… those types of points of view make all the difference.

The Bubbles, Part II

The Bubbles, Part II

There are gaps in time where my social goals are put aside for the sake of indulgence. Aside from these gaps I am doing what I want to do, which, I realize, is not always what is natural to do. But I cannot be both who I want to be and who is natural with certain people, because of this I find myself in a state of being very unsure.

Maybe I am just prone to being unsure and therefore cling to (or create) situations that validate that my feeling is correct. Either way I am better off when in my own element and in the company of those who I do not have doubts about. I am just happy here with the normal ways of things.

Getting Mad at People

Getting Mad at People

Thinking back, the effect of getting angry at people (aside from family members, we have no choice but to work it out) was a sure fire way of putting the breaks on the relationship (though I didn’t really notice this in the moment, it has a few times been the outcome). In the past I was naturally getting mad at things that annoy me, then getting even more pissed off when told that I don’t have to feel that way about the topic…. then getting even more pissed off at the defense of “If you just change how you think about it then you won’t get mad.” There just came a point where I was just masking my anger for the sake of a smooth ride, but I was still mad, I just was trying not to be. Clear sign of an unhealthy relationship. I should always be free to express myself, what makes me mad is part of what makes me. My personality is respectful of not doing things to other people that (in my shoes) would piss me off… so to get frustrated with me for getting mad and not getting frustrated for going out of my way not to piss you off, doesn’t make any sense, they are two expressions of the same internal value.

An annoying thing about rightfully being angry at people is that for the most part they’re trying to explain why I shouldn’t be mad and what I can do differently to not let this situation bother me. I don’t get mad at people often…..so if I am already mad because of some repetitive behavior on their part…. of course I’m going to be more pissed off when you’re asking me not to be mad so you can continue to do whatever you want that affects me.

Since it is rare that I use outright anger to gain power over the situation, when I do use this tactic, it is because of a major problem, here is the deal: you don’t do it, and I won’t be mad. If you make it a game to piss me off because you know what pisses me off…. that’s when the phone stops ringing.

Constantly Creating New Things to Look Forward to…

Constantly Creating New Things to Look Forward to…

I’ve been shooting magic arrows at falling stars for weeks now, and no matter how many stars I hit in this brainstorm, I have yet to actually climb up and bring my, so-called, great ideas down to earth where they may actually prove useful.

For a time in my life where so much possibility exists I am really having a hard time pushing myself to get started onto something next. I have plenty of ideas, heaps of them to keep me looking forward, but just no real drive to act on them. I never thought I’d say it, but going to bed at 4 am and sleeping till noon or 1 pm really does nothing to motivate me into action.

Lately, by the time I get out of bed and piddle around with the idea of taking action, the sun is setting, leaving me to a world of endless night which encompasses a world of endless dreaming. So, whenever I end up going back home (I’m in Phoenix for a few days) I’m going to kick my own arse into shape and do more than eat, sleep, and go to yoga. I’m going to make myself a list of things to get done each day and actually cross off everything on the list, simply for the sake of completing something: the list.

Persistence

Persistence

All my notes are overwhelming me… and possibly you if you care to read all my fluff… but since I’m working on my writing skills I figure I may as well put this one up. What I am trying to say may be somewhat fuzzy, hopefully not too cheesy, but nonetheless I’m practicing writing out my theoretical ideas in hopes that one day they will all come together and form something clear.

On persistence
It is more beneficial to go for what you want or dream of not only for the sake of getting it, but for clearing the way for new desires to fill its place and build upon the last. I could spend ten years wanting one thing, but if I simply persist in getting it this year, I’ve cleared the way for, well, at least nine more ‘wants’ to be fulfilled. I say, don’t waste time dreaming for what you want, be persistent. Get it, every time, so that you are finally free to go one more step beyond it.