The older I get, the more I rely on my memory for satisfaction. There is a mood that allows me to summon up other moods from my past and relive them. I have to be careful about calling up old baggage because some moods over power this special memory mood for the worse.
I was just brutally awakened 30 some odd minutes ago (at 3:30ish) by the most horrid feeling of biting my own tongue, sure it happens once in a while but not usually while I’m sleeping and dreaming. I woke up in such a panic that I had to check and make sure I didn’t bite part of it off. All that pain and it didn’t even bleed… so unable to go back to sleep I have hopped on this here clicking-ticking modern-day do-hickey machine in an attempt to bore myself back to a sleeping state.
After my panic subsided, I lay awake trying not to think of anything too attention grabbing… of course I failed because my thoughts flowed to a chain of a few events that prove to me that some things never change.
The best example that I can come up with is this:
Imagine a kid whose mom is making… lets say… brownies. The mom is really busy making other things as well and the kid, lead by the smell of food, wanders in to the kitchen from whatever had been distracting him and asks nicely and sweetly if he can eat a spoonful of brownie batter. The mom hadn’t actually gotten that far in her cooking progress to have mixed the batter fully so she tells the kid that he must wait until she is ready. Annoyed because he had remembered to ask so nicely and doesn’t see why she can’t just mix up the batter instantly instead of first cleaning up the juice he just spilled, attending to the cookies in the oven so they don’t burn, pouring the spaghetti noodles into the colander so they don’t get too soggy, and also answering the phone that has just started ringing. Finally the batter is mixed and the kid is presented with a fork, not a spoon, of delightfully dripping chocolate… and he no longer wants to eat the batter. He is so focused on the fact that he didn’t get what he wanted, when he wanted it, and in the way he wanted it, especially since he asked in the way he had been trained to, he is now just throwing a fit and storms off into the other room, denying his mom the satisfaction of giving him the batter that she put on a fork especially for him. The mom, not worrying too much about the situation, (because, after all, it is a kid throwing a fit) figures she will just explain later that she just thought he wanted the batter and didn’t realize he had put so much hope in getting the specifics fulfilled at a specific time.
So now pretend that the kid in this story is actually an adult and just watch all the ridiculous points of the situation that flow through your head. My main point in making him an adult all of a sudden is noticing that he isn’t strong in himself. He was expecting, or hoping, to get what he wanted in the way he wanted it and once he didn’t get it that way, piss off. He used the situation to trigger an emotional reaction to it… the mom has seen this program before and though his attempts are perhaps to get her attention, he won’t get it until daddy comes home from work and tells him to go in and apologize to his mother, tell her that he loves her and he is sorry,then they can move on to explaining to him that he shouldn’t treat people as objects for his emotionally reactive needs.
This note connects back into a previous one of mine where I mentioned not letting emotions be controlled by the outside world… but in this situation it is a bit different because the emotions aren’t being lead by the outside world, they are getting their fix through it. It is creating a dependency on other people by using them as emotional security blankets. For me, personally, there is only so much of this left over childish, maybe a bit adolescent of behavior that I can stand. Hence my enjoyment of solitude (a byproduct of which, makes me notice these things in life). No real, healthy, genuine companionship with another person, should rely on one person using the other to get some sort of emotional fix because the other person doesn’t want to have to clean up someone else’s messes, they just want to hang out, have a good time, express themselves, talk about misinterpretations, get support and advice, do exciting things… I don’t know….anything, except be surrogate parent for someone to blindly react to.