It is disheartening to have such a long list of once thought of as potential all-stars. Usually once the draft is done and the teams have been finalized no one cares about those who didn’t make the team, everyone just focuses on how the chosen players perform. It isn’t the case with me because I chose them all and it was up to them to meet the minimum qualifications. I was honestly rooting for them to pull through for me. In most cases it was just one more thing, just that one more leap or jump that would pull them into the club, sadly that one more thing was the breaking point.
The order in which they arrive is what has done most of them in. The first few had few, if any, requirements to meet to at least get into the club. Over time they have either faded out or have been grandfathered in to the point that they can do as they please. But these new ones, these are the ones I worry most about. They always show up in shining armor expecting (or hoping for) an easy fight. Little do they know that I am not what I appear to be, because I do not want to appear to be what I really am. It is a battle of wits for me. If I can outsmart you, throw you a curve ball that gets you off track and leaves you immobilized, well then, you are not what I am looking for and I am happy for your silence. Thank you. Any approach whether conscious or by chance has to be in my right way and flow (from my point of view) naturally. That’s not to say without difficulty. Difficulty is fun because it implies learning and training to overcome it.
I am writing this because I’m disappointed in the losers; mainly because at some point I was really rooting to have them in my world. Unfortunately it was only an image of them that I was really rooting for. I was rooting for that image to either manifest or to be overtaken in the stricter sense by their own, true personality. The disappointment is fueled by their left over image in my mind which is left floating like a humming bird somewhere deep in my brain. “No,” I have to tell myself, “I have no way of knowing if that person actually exists because they won’t show themselves to me in a language that I can learn to speak.”
Apologies have so much power. I love apologizing to someone who as just lost a couple points of my respect just to see how they take it. It is funny to see how their whole attitude changes all of a sudden. It went from a situation where no one had yet admitted fault and both parties have looming thoughts of “oh shit, I hope I’m not going to be in the doghouse for doing that,” to “yeah, you did mess up, but it is okay I forgive you.” Whoa, just because I apologize doesn’t mean you didn’t mess up either. And I know you know that you were no angel, but you’re not that smart to have fooled me into disregarding your rather ridiculous behavior.
The funny thing is that I am not talking about one specific situation here. I have a couple in mind actually, all with different parties involved. Taking the blame, to cite a useful example, is actually a very powerful maneuver when I intend to no longer upkeep a relationship with someone. They walk away all proud that they were right (silently thanking god that I didn’t call them out of their fears) and assume, for a while, that my silence is an indication that I am somewhat shy about crossing their path again, leaving me plenty of time to move along with my life without bother from said individual. (Note: this doesn’t apply to you if I still talk to you, and it took rather monumental incidents to illicit this type of extreme I am referencing here, but this was a natural reaction out of me before I realized that it causes problems leading to further analysis in hopes of finding a better way of reacting to such situations).
Sounds harsh, but that’s the difficulty in accepting an apology from someone else. (I’m talking about real apologies from real emotionally heightened situations, not just, “sorry I didn’t mean to bump into you just then.”) In accepting an apology, I do not see how to continue on past that actually. Like, “Okay, I accept your apology, but that doesn’t mean I can act normal around you again.” This coming from someone who actually has never mended a real broken relationship (except for one sorta, which I have no idea how that happened… probably because I have no idea how the relationship really started to begin with and I am rather blurry on what the actual context of the relationship really is/was.. oh right, I fell in love with him rather suddenly, I don’t know why…moving on…). I don’t know what else to say other than, it is over when it is over unless I can somehow manage to dream it back to life. But if I can do that, I’m obviously not over it.
I want to write but have nothing specific to write about. So I’m going to just ramble. I’ve been thinking about the lifestyle choices of some people and I do not understand their reasoning behind the big picture of what they are doing in life. Do they see a big picture? Some people do not care about the big picture. Other people seem to see opportunities as a waste of time or effort. I like to do cool things, so I tend to figure out what needs to be done to get where I want to go and start heading in that direction. I get really frustrated when other people do not care to do what it takes to get where they claim to want to go. They find so many excuses, excuses that often are valid in the short term, but amazingly deceptive in the long term. For example, people just freakin’ love to eat, eat, and eat some more. So people find all sorts of colorful ways to justify why they need to eat so much. Exercising seems to be the most popular excuse I have heard. “I exercise so I must eat so much.” no no no…you just love your food enough to harm yourself. People want to think they can exercise off all that food they are eating without having to adjust their lifestyle. Just find another hobby, like restructuring your habits. Imagine the person you want to be and just be that person, it takes practice, lot of practice, but I enjoy practicing so maybe you should learn how to enjoy practicing too. I get so tired of everything revolving around food as some sort of magical experience, when in reality people have some sort of fear of starvation and they just don’t realize that it isn’t a steady food supply that they are afraid of not having access to. I’m not so afraid of starvation as I am of poisoning (believe it or not). I don’t like people coming into my world and messing it up. Any new addition to life must make it better or easier or more delightful; I must be better off in some regard than I was before I accepted a new addition otherwise the silence grows. This isn’t to say that I don’t see the value in things growing over time, quite the opposite because I do enjoy the fruits of my labor, even if the undertaking of that labor did make life more miserable in the short run. Down times in life are just as inevitable as up times and I definitely will push through tough times as best I can, but I have to see what my effort is going toward. Choosing rebellions wisely is something not very many people are good at. Usually people just need to express some sort of power and the actual topic they choose to rebel against is the easiest to conquer and rationalize for them. They pick a sure bet that will get people’s attention. Unfortunately other people actually believe them. Being gullible is definitely a good reason to stay indoors… It is amazing once you realize who actually does not think for themselves. They think, and think a lot, but seem to always be seriously contemplating advice from horrible sources. It is sad when you come across someone like this because there is nothing you can do, they don’t dream to live it out one day, they just dream to make today easier to get through.
I’ve been indulging myself in a somewhat guilty pleasure lately… well not lately… okay once lately, but most in the recent past. So I figured the best way to really get all my anger over my ex boyfriend abandoning me two years ago was to break the silence that I oh so enjoyed imposing upon him and send him all my anger via email (could be worse…. but he was afraid to actually call me once I gave him the okay [insert evil laugh here]).
It felt great, it felt awesome, I so so so wish I had more to get out of my system but then I realized that I’m still telling him how I feel about him. After all when I thought I was in love with him, I told him I love him… so why can’t I tell him that I hate him now that I realize he completely screwed me over?
Same same. no?
I can feel the boys cringe. There is nothing worse than an angry woman… run run run for the hills! He pissed me off and unfortunately he never learned the magic woman-neutralizing actions to make the situation better (well he was told it, but I doubt he was listening…. no he wasn’t listening)
But it is dangerous to really piss me off. I’m one of those people who is so so patient, so so nice and so so there for you….. until…. until…. you hit the button. The BIG button! Which encompasses treating me like a worthless piece of shit FOR NO GOOD REASON! Forget working it out or even acknowledging it, baby. Then feeling hurt because I’m mad at you for abandoning me.
Luckily I no longer give anyone that kinda power over me. I find my walls extremely peaceful because the only dramas are the daydreams I create in my head stories i read in my books, which… are fun and exciting dramas that don’t cost me anything to play out.
But you’re not that person, not yet anyway. The thing with masks is that they can only be worn for so long and only really work when no emotions are being invested in the circumstance…. in my experience anyway.
Emotions are tricky, don’t believe for a second that they won’t change your mind for you or pull the wool over your eyes. Bodies have a way of getting what they want and your mind is only a function of how it achieves that.
So don’t fight it. The emotions involved will pull through and only damage your credibility if you are trying to hide them, how? Act overly friendly…. then suddenly…silence? Doing nothing is just as much communication as saying something.
That doesn’t work to solve any part of the situation…but it will keep the hole in you wide open, giving you that constant something to fight for and with, which, you have dug so deep that it would take creating a whole new you all over again to fill it and you are too lazy to cause that kind of conflict, why? Because you went and jumped right back into what you spent so much time and energy getting away from. “This time it will be different, this life is different, more agreeable”… no. You have only changed the object, you… you’ve just created an illusion for yourself to live in and in that illusion you can at least have what you are missing. So why fight it? Why use extremes in an attempt to manipulate the outside world when they can be seen through, you’re only making it worse for yourself.
There is no reason to keep it all pent up. it doesn’t matter how you feel or what you are thinking as long as you express it in some way to the only person with whom it matters to. You can express it to a total stranger and you’ll get your quick fix…. or jump beyond it.
I like to write about patterns in life and other things around me lately. I describe parallel events while making subtle references to the actual events that have inspired me, and of which, I can only guess if any bystander of the times can actually connect incidents to the specific references I cite; they might catch one, but not another, because more than one event may be referenced in patterns of which I write. These patterns are like small cycles, lasting from mere minutes in silence to miles of cruising the open road, that occur at different points of time in my life and are directly related to each other but only in form, because the content (i.e. plot, characters, setting, specific chronology of events, etc.) are different.
The best example is the chemically triggered female cycle. Hormones trigger emotional responses in this particular cycle, this connected with the innate drive of procreating, causes our minds (acting as functions of our body and issuing thought) to subtly tune in with the concept of the female cycle and thus, both men and women react to it. The physical action is what is too be focused on here because it is a by-product of the cycle and what others perceive consciously.
I noticed that there are different triggers in replace of hormones in other cycles of life. Other cycles use this programing and apply it to other issues that need to be – so to speak – completed. Maybe I think this way just because I am female. Perhaps it isn’t so for men. I’m suggesting/playing with the idea that maybe if men want to escape a life of social/emotional cycles (aside from events like the earth’s orbit and the changing of the seasons – which are, need I even type: unavoidable) they could simply remove female influence from their sphere, if only for a few minutes, to take a break from a dizzying existence… only to return, well-equipped to face the cycles again. Women, being completely unable to stop cycling, have no concept of what not cycling could possibly be and therefore must work out the dizziness cycling causes through cycling itself, achieving obviously far less of a break than men, but feeling just as refreshed.
Social cycles I am referring to can be as simple as hanging out with friends on a regular basis and as complex as fidgets.
I hope this makes sense, I won’t know until morning…