It isn’t what people say at the beginning of a conversation that is on their minds. Wait for it. The bread and butter will reveal itself. I know this because I know my own mind. It never stops living. My life is a mere continuation of my dreams, but in my waking life I are often interrupted by simple things such as people talking to me, cars needing to be driven, work needing to be done, and bodies needing to be taken care of. In my sleep there is no stopping the thoughts, they manifest to their fullest without remorse or guilt for any harm or discomfort they cause me. But I don’t mind, I like to roam free. In watching my thoughts, I am able to see through the layers by not getting stuck on one topic, so for a second, I get a glimpse of what is bothering me way underneath it all. Under those layers are the things I wouldn’t say until I was deep into the conversation. Under the layers are the situations that I wish never happened, the things I wish I could take back, and the things I wish would leave me alone. I see those issues there, but seeing is all I can do. If I pull out a topic from the roots and thus finally rid myself of its nagging existence, another topic will fill into that spot. The process is endless because the spots are always there, grasping issues to apply its emotions to. Seeing through the layers, clearing them off, and restructuring was just the beginning. It is overwhelming to climb what you thought was the tallest peak only to finally see how many more mountains are ahead of you. It is the space they layers fill that needs adjustment. How to adjust them, I don’t yet know. From here I cannot see how deep they go because the surface life covers them for most of my day. When the surface life is very smooth and thick, it crates a nice trail to follow that makes me not think about the foundation built below. Maybe this is because the deep layers really do not matter so long as life is in order. So I guess this one comes down to this: When life is good, don’t spoil the fun.
I watched a documentary about dreams recently and it got me thinking that perhaps my brain has a love affair with dreaming. I’m often not fully paying attention when I’m awake because my thoughts gravitate to more interesting scenarios which may or may not be actually happening… in other words often my dream world is far more interesting to me than real life. This accounts for much of my behavior like my so called “spaciness” and wanting to be alone so often (I can follow my own train of thought without having to explain it to anyone as well as not have to follow their social rules in the process).
So that is a practical explanation for why I continue to be lost in a daze much of the day. But I am thinking that from a more physical assumption, perhaps I am not fully awake. Like, I am thinking that if our brains have certain genetically programed patterns of sleep that cause dreaming (this specific documentary said that REM sleep is for practicing and preparing for future situations based on data it processed during non-REM sleep) then if I am not fully waking up then my daydreams are running in similar patterns to night dreams. Then anxiety about a made up situation that isn’t a real life danger, would be the day time equivalent of a nightmare.
From this prospective, I can see why people have a difficult time being in a good mood when they worry about stuff that actually will never happen to them. If you can’t always wake yourself up from a nightmare because you think it is really happening, how are you going to wake yourself up from fear…especially when you are convinced that you’ve got to prepare yourself to face this fear?
I think it will help to remind yourself that in your waking life you’ve not always as awake as you think you are.
Boy invites Girl over to his place. He drives her there. He drinks too much and so cannot drive her home until morning. He instructs her that he will get her home in time for her to get ready for work and be on time. Girl is hesitant, but in light of the alcohol, understands the reasoning.
Conveniently his bed is the best place to sleep. He insists the set up is honorable.
The first time this idea is pitched to you, you just think it all kinda makes sense….
The second time…. you’re pissed off that you didn’t realize it was a known, tactful maneuver. If you had known of this before the first time….you would have saved yourself from the hellish pits of deep confusion.
In my opinion boys will say anything to get you to sleep with them.
They also use that same strategy for when they desperately want to get rid of you.
Men, on the other hand, hopefully have a more honest approach, but I wouldn’t know.
Greed: An excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves, especially with respect to material wealth. -dictionary.com
Greed is what it is, but not necessarily a bad thing. I see no harm in wanting more. There will always be more to want – more money to make, more education to get, more guys (or girls, if you’re a guy reading this) to sleep with, more fun to have, more fulfilling relationships to experience, more countries to visit, more books to read, [insert a want here], etc. Being able to get something you want which you perceive can be made available to you very often will make you a better person who, in turn, can create a healthy environment for others to thrive in. So greedily wanting more isn’t as bad – in my eyes – as our social system has portrayed it, however when the pursuit of More causes harm to oneself or others, that is when greed lives up to it negative connotation. This is tricky, though, for the pursuer of the More, because his mind has now focused on the More and has formulated a plan for how to get more. The mind is now ill from greed, as with a flu or cold, and thus should be treated gently as such, but the mind doesn’t know when it is sick. It will then confuse a capitalistically efficient route as a fulfilling method to More.
The efficient path will always be there in your mind and you will always be looking for it, because you believe it is right for you to need it; you need those continuous signs pointing you in the right direction to tell you that you are going the right way. So you continue on your yellow brick road leaving behind those who stumble behind your efficient gait, all in the name of your business, be it the business of building yourself, of living the life you always dreamed, of getting that job, of ridding yourself of all the reminders of how you’ve screwed up, of starting fresh and new, etc. You get to your destination, you feel elated and proudly shout out to those who hail your efforts “See the More I’ve accomplished?!?,” “See my wealth of life I’ve experienced because of it?!? And you smile down at all the faces, new and old, gleaming up at you to thank them for their help along the way.
Something is missing, you scan and scan, and search and search, you hug and you hold all those around you, close your eyes even to feel for something that is no longer there despite all the beauty that you’ve convinced yourself to see at your finger tips, that you think you’ve found in all that is new and exciting to you, but It’s not there, It can’t be found, the most precious thing in your life, is gone. why? Because you abandoned it, wrote it off as no longer useful to your efficiency when you thought it got in your way. So just keep telling yourself you’ve found something better, it will help you sleep at night.
-You take him to and from school
-He lies and tells you he needs a ride to school in the middle of the night so he can make it to class the next day….then calls you the next day hung over at noon (still in bed) saying he got too drunk after you dropped him off to make it to class.
-You are the one who convinced him to get braces
-He gets defiant when you tell him to cut his hair
-One day decides he has out grown you and takes off claiming to have “fallen out of love” but still wants to tell you what he is up to almost everyday and talk to you when he needs support
-When you tell him about your frustrating day he gets angry and tells you to stop complaining and do something about it, anything except complain to him.
-Tells you that it is ‘crazy’ to cry over a HUGE dent in your car that he put there which will cost you a lot of money you don’t have and he won’t work extra to help you pay for…. well not for 6 months at least
-He thinks that once he has done something then no one is as good or cool as he is until they do it too, but he didn’t realize you did most of this 6 years ago while he was in the nest still
-He declares his maturity by claiming to you that he wants no responsibility
-He claim independence by having someone else pay for him
-He claims that his memory sucks when you ask about sensitive topics
-You find yourself constantly going out of your way to see him
-After working and studying all day, then fighting traffic and finally stopping by home to pick up your stuff for the night while having a nice chat with your parents (who make you dinner and let you live in their house for free) he gets all butt-hurt that you are always late to come see him
-One stressful day he has a dinner gathering at his house and while you sleep a bit early because you have to work in the morning he stays up all night with some other girl and proceeds to express to you for the next week how cool she is
-Claims you are boring because you are bored with nothing to do at his place
-Insists that your favorite family vacation spot is an absolutely horrible place in the desert and finds any excuse to not go to the desert until he breaks up with you and goes there for a road trip with said girl from a few lines up and comes home to tell you how awesome the desert is.
-He doesn’t understand how you could no longer want to talk to him anymore
I was just brutally awakened 30 some odd minutes ago (at 3:30ish) by the most horrid feeling of biting my own tongue, sure it happens once in a while but not usually while I’m sleeping and dreaming. I woke up in such a panic that I had to check and make sure I didn’t bite part of it off. All that pain and it didn’t even bleed… so unable to go back to sleep I have hopped on this here clicking-ticking modern-day do-hickey machine in an attempt to bore myself back to a sleeping state.
After my panic subsided, I lay awake trying not to think of anything too attention grabbing… of course I failed because my thoughts flowed to a chain of a few events that prove to me that some things never change.
The best example that I can come up with is this:
Imagine a kid whose mom is making… lets say… brownies. The mom is really busy making other things as well and the kid, lead by the smell of food, wanders in to the kitchen from whatever had been distracting him and asks nicely and sweetly if he can eat a spoonful of brownie batter. The mom hadn’t actually gotten that far in her cooking progress to have mixed the batter fully so she tells the kid that he must wait until she is ready. Annoyed because he had remembered to ask so nicely and doesn’t see why she can’t just mix up the batter instantly instead of first cleaning up the juice he just spilled, attending to the cookies in the oven so they don’t burn, pouring the spaghetti noodles into the colander so they don’t get too soggy, and also answering the phone that has just started ringing. Finally the batter is mixed and the kid is presented with a fork, not a spoon, of delightfully dripping chocolate… and he no longer wants to eat the batter. He is so focused on the fact that he didn’t get what he wanted, when he wanted it, and in the way he wanted it, especially since he asked in the way he had been trained to, he is now just throwing a fit and storms off into the other room, denying his mom the satisfaction of giving him the batter that she put on a fork especially for him. The mom, not worrying too much about the situation, (because, after all, it is a kid throwing a fit) figures she will just explain later that she just thought he wanted the batter and didn’t realize he had put so much hope in getting the specifics fulfilled at a specific time.
So now pretend that the kid in this story is actually an adult and just watch all the ridiculous points of the situation that flow through your head. My main point in making him an adult all of a sudden is noticing that he isn’t strong in himself. He was expecting, or hoping, to get what he wanted in the way he wanted it and once he didn’t get it that way, piss off. He used the situation to trigger an emotional reaction to it… the mom has seen this program before and though his attempts are perhaps to get her attention, he won’t get it until daddy comes home from work and tells him to go in and apologize to his mother, tell her that he loves her and he is sorry,then they can move on to explaining to him that he shouldn’t treat people as objects for his emotionally reactive needs.
This note connects back into a previous one of mine where I mentioned not letting emotions be controlled by the outside world… but in this situation it is a bit different because the emotions aren’t being lead by the outside world, they are getting their fix through it. It is creating a dependency on other people by using them as emotional security blankets. For me, personally, there is only so much of this left over childish, maybe a bit adolescent of behavior that I can stand. Hence my enjoyment of solitude (a byproduct of which, makes me notice these things in life). No real, healthy, genuine companionship with another person, should rely on one person using the other to get some sort of emotional fix because the other person doesn’t want to have to clean up someone else’s messes, they just want to hang out, have a good time, express themselves, talk about misinterpretations, get support and advice, do exciting things… I don’t know….anything, except be surrogate parent for someone to blindly react to.
I’ve been shooting magic arrows at falling stars for weeks now, and no matter how many stars I hit in this brainstorm, I have yet to actually climb up and bring my, so-called, great ideas down to earth where they may actually prove useful.
For a time in my life where so much possibility exists I am really having a hard time pushing myself to get started onto something next. I have plenty of ideas, heaps of them to keep me looking forward, but just no real drive to act on them. I never thought I’d say it, but going to bed at 4 am and sleeping till noon or 1 pm really does nothing to motivate me into action.
Lately, by the time I get out of bed and piddle around with the idea of taking action, the sun is setting, leaving me to a world of endless night which encompasses a world of endless dreaming. So, whenever I end up going back home (I’m in Phoenix for a few days) I’m going to kick my own arse into shape and do more than eat, sleep, and go to yoga. I’m going to make myself a list of things to get done each day and actually cross off everything on the list, simply for the sake of completing something: the list.
There I was pacing the halls of my palace, wondering how on earth the evil god of the northern tribes managed to kidnap some of my protected soldiers from their post on the border with the tribal plains. “I spent weeks putting the barrier up with the best wizards in the country, and even tested the fact that those soldiers were physically incapable of crossing the barrier, either by their own will or force. How could it possibly have failed???” I exclaimed in a fit of fury to my humble adviser, Grumbambly, from the planet Gamb. His six eyes worryingly gazed out the window as my personal body guard approached through the courtyard to deliver, what I knew was a devastating…. lick on my hand….? “Lula! No, I’m trying to sleep Boo. Okay Okay you can climb in bed too, but, no, don’t take up the whole thing… no I can’t be petting you constantly, alright give me a snuggle…yes, thank you for cleaning my hand, I love you too…All Done! Sleep time, Lula, Sleep time….”