My imagination depresses me. It shows me so much possibility in the world, but when I open my eyes and take a look around, I’m often completely unsatisfied with what I see. On the inside are my goals and dreams, on the outside are the actual tools to accomplish and realize those goal and dreams. Unfortunately, just because the tools are there doesn’t mean that they will be willing to come to my assistance. I always seem to dream one step beyond what i can actually find in the world, hence the depression. This depression always accompanies the resentment because “this is all I can get?!?!? the best I can do?” I just want to step into the world and pick up all the pieces that so nicely fit together to form my life puzzle. This often takes more work, more money, and more energy than I forecast and often leaves me with extra parts and relationships that serve no other purpose but to annoy me. I think I could cope better with more work, more expenses, and more energy being expelled if the “good enough” clingers didn’t drain me dry in the process. It is sad that some people think that love and friendship is in the air when all I did was say hi and have a conversation. I’m sick of being taken advantage of because I enjoy being nice to people. A smile, a glance, and a few conversations mean nothing; nothing other than the fact that you’re speaking with a girl who took etiquette classes in junior high. If all it takes for you to think you like someone is their manners, then I suggest therapy, because you don’t know what love is and you’ll keep getting in people’s way in the process.
I woke up two months ago and it was all brand new, the light shook my hand with a smile, changing everything so that nothing before felt as if it actually happened. Then freedom set itself in through my calmer routine. Once the stresses of busy times subsided and I could sit back and reflect on the things that used to bother me, I found that not only did they not bother me anymore, but I also couldn’t quite remember why I was bothered by them in the first place. This joyful forgetting has happened before.
Liberated, I’m ready to go explore again. I just can’t yet, but I can taste it in my imagination. This tinge in my mind sets in only when I am not engaged in conversation or distracted by some other task. It is torturous, the constant salivating over something that you know you can obtain, the hungry knowing that so much time must pass before the harvest, and the painful tingling of possibilities of what will happen in the mean time…
I sit and go about my everyday life, routine after routine, carrying the thoughts of what has been and what could be both floating simultaneously with every movement and every word. Dreams have turned into strategic scheming and gathering of data of how of how to get where I want to be.
I must admit there is still one thing bothering me. But i think it is normal to be bothered by being told to go away before you have been given a proper chance. I don’t know how long it will take until my psyche stops tossing that thought into my completely unrelated existence.
I was excited about the birthday gift I had bought one of my favorite friends. I found the coolest watch for her because years ago (before this friend had become friends with everyone else in my group of friends) she had excitedly shown me her watch collection and explained how much she liked having so many of them. After all this time I finally found a watch that fit my friend’s style.
That night, after a movie, I ran to catch my friend (who was getting in the car to go home) and give her the neatly wrapped box.
With a huge smile, I said “Wait! I have a present for you, Happy Birthday!”
After I handed my friend the package, she turned it over in her hands and without opening it, she apathetically asked, “Oh is it a watch?”
I lost all momentum and replied, “yeah, it is.”
My friend said, “yeah, everyone’s been giving me watches, but thanks.”
I felt a certain emotion for which at the time I had no words. It was a sudden disconnection that only years later would I be able to describe as the feeling you get when you realize that some friends treat everyone just like they treated you and to them, you are just another person to kill time with; nothing special and completely disposable.
A man stands outside of a luggage shop. He has walked by this particular shop everyday on his lunch break for the past few weeks, eying a piece of luggage that caught his eye. Today, he finally decided:
“I’m going to go inquire about this one.”
He walked in, and the shop girl asked, “Can I help you sir?”
“Yes, actually” he responded in a secure tone, “I’m looking for a new piece of baggage to carry around with me, some thing bright and cute, like the one in your window.”
“Well that particular one seems the most fitting, lets have a look” the shop girl responded as she pulled it into the aisle of the store.
The shop girl continued “She is bright and colorful and is sure to lighten your mood, but I must warn you though,” she stated, as she unclasped the latches and looked inside….
“She’s beautiful” you admire under your breath.
The shop girl continued (eager to make a sale), “Once you look inside” as she opened the luggage ” you’ll notice, sir, that her previous owner stole most of her pride and dignity, but I assure you, that can be replaced, with some proper care, whatever that may be.”
“It is of no consequence, my lady. How much longer do you think she has?” He asked.
“In her prime sir?” The shop girl responded back, “Most definitely, five years of consistent travel until she is stretched and smothered by your hauntings, which is the length of our warranty I must add, at which time you are free of her, I assure you that she will manage any carry-on baggage you acquire, for a fee of course, and leave you to go live your life in pursuit of other, perhaps, younger pieces of luggage,” She continued, ” to your hearts content,” the shop girl stated while condemning the luggage with a smile.
“What a perfect warranty package,” said the man, “Do you mind if I take her for a stroll around the mall, just to, to get acquainted?”
” By no mean sir, be back in 10 minutes?” She asked.
“No problem,’ the man responded as he walked out, handle in hand, out of the up-scale establishment.
Ten minutes later the man returned and asked the shop girl, “What of her previous owner, is he still in want of her?”
“Her previous owner? Well, sir, I must admit, he has called on occasion to ask of her status and tell me of his, but he has made no real effort to come and collect her, therefore I must assume that she is for sale as any other piece of luggage in the shop. Will you take he?”
“Most definitely, of course,” he said, “I cannot imagine a better warranty for such an object at the moment. Under warranty for five years and at that point, no hard feelings for getting rid of her at my whim’s content? What man could ask for such perfect use of a woman? I must take this colorful and enchanting beast and use her to my hearts content.”
I was just sitting, internalized, on my bed curled up in a ball, swaying ever so slightly, meditating my hardest to remember where I put my GMAT score report so I can finish another part of my Grad School Application. Completely stumped, my mind skipped like a rock over the water of other thoughts that I figured might trigger the location of the report paper. Nonetheless the rock fell into the water on a particular topic of thought that I often revisit when I’m in a frustrated internal state and need a smile.
The specific moment of the thought-topic was of no surprise to me… the memory consisted of me in a different, yet sorta similar, sitting pose, gazing intently at the living image in front of me, for how long, I do not know… it seemed like an eternity, yet probably only a few seconds. In that memory I swayed, eyes fixed, ever so slightly as well, but as a fidget, rather than habit, from an over bubbling rush of a feeling that I knew must exist yet honestly had never expected to experience.
At that point I was reliving it again, feeling the flash behind my eyes as the bright blue pierced into me, the intent rush of amazement, then came the realization that it was too late, it took me by surprise, I didn’t intend to fall in love like this – in this way, I should never have gotten myself in this situation and let this happen, it’s not safe. I must have let my guard down somewhere, in sometime, but it was too late for that and yet oh so soon all at the same time. Maybe I put that paper in my night stand. No, not there either. Thank god for The Giver.