Tag Archives: social situations

Labeling the Depths of Normalacy

Labeling the Depths of Normalacy

Amazingly, people are rather normal, but for some reason everyone wants a label for their particular segment of normal.  It seems as if everyone likes their freedoms and so called individuality but are, at the same time, hesitant to accept their own differences as normal.

I’ve noticed many people embracing when they are informed that their difficulty in social situations is related to some sort of disorder.  People buy into it because it solves a huge problem in their lives as well as gives them an excuse for acting against social norms.

You can tell when a label is really just another term for ‘normal’ when it hits pop culture and all of a sudden many many people have a disorder of some kind.  Genius marketing.  They are selling a sense of togetherness through a concept that can neither be seen nor touched.  The payment for these labels fuels parts of industries like pharmaceuticals, therapy, and media.  The trick isn’t to find a product that solves problems, it is to sell ideas that give people peace of mind in knowing that when they speak of their life issues people will believe them and not write them off as someone who is still in the default label of ‘crazy’.

On Writing, Socially Bored, and the Need to Repeat

On Writing, Socially Bored, and the Need to Repeat

There is something in writing that I can find in no human being.  It is the ability to express myself as needed, as often as I need to.  Socializing requires me to be too much of an actress.  Too many social situations are governed by behaviors that I, for the longest time, believe were simply the way things had to be done.  It is not that these social rules are too strict or that I have a different way of approaching situations… it is that I do not get much out of them.  They are not productive in ways that I need them to be in order to feel happy and refreshed after a social encounter.

I find the best example in conversation repeats.  People (myself included) get uncomfortable when they hear that same story or example told by the same person, over and over again.  We all do it, so why is it that none of us allow each other to do it.  There is a totally obvious social behavior that people exhibit when they’ve heard what you are saying before (actually there are a few, some nicer than others) but those behaviors are not the point.  The point is that the bigger the impression something made on you, the more often you feel the need to express it.  Like wearing the same shirt a few times in the same week because you like the design, the way it fits, or how soft it is…someone is sure to notice you wore that recently.  Whether or not they choose to comment is irrelevant, it is the fact that we notice eachother’s repeats and are disturbed by it.

A better example is conversation…I need to tell/rethink some of the same stories because they made a huge impression on me and I do not want to see that look on other people’s face when I have once again found a relevant reason to bring up a certain subject.  It is on my mind…more so, most likely, than most people who are in front of my eyes.

I guess it depends on if the people are conversing for the sake of presenting themselves to society or for the sake of interacting with the people around them… those types of points of view make all the difference.

Searching for Things

Searching for Things

Many times I search and search and search for something and finally give up and ask someone else if they have it, or have seen it, or know where else I can look. The split second after I (Questioner) ask the other person (Questionee), and just before they answer, I realize where it is.

I am not sure why asking someone is the trigger for remember where something is. But it seems that I must find out in order to skip that step of asking someone unnecessarily.

There are many hypothesis floating around in my mind, none of which seem the least bit concrete. Like maybe it is a way for me to maintain some sort of bond with the Questionee.

Or maybe it is my own mind adjusting to what I perceive is the timing of interaction necessary for the Questionee to feel confident in their bond with me.

Regardless, in this situation I am going out of my way to gather information that is already in my own head, I just haven’t accessed the correct folder to it yet.

In personal, social situations I see this as acceptable because this is what everyone in my family does when we are lazy and think we’ve searched enough or know someone else definitely could find something faster. I know that a family Questionee isn’t going to think ill of me and use this minor situation against me later. But at work (where I search to the bitter end), I could possibly be perceived as incompetent, rushed, needy, not paying attention, etc. by certain people who have acquired the thought that everyone should act like robots. It is these snooty people who take tabs solely on incidents that confirm their paranoia.

A boss for example, who is in charge of a project- that, in fact, has a the work load of three bosses- cannot possibly know what is going on all the time because the boss has no time to actually manage the project. This ever-increasing fear of the project going wrong -due to an inability to properly manage it- creates a huge fear that the project has fatal errors, which will not be discovered until a cataclysmic moment. The fear propagates paranoia and so every incident that didn’t go smoothly goes on to the list of potential huge issues for which someone must be blamed for.

From there you may as well start reading from the top because the person who gets blamed for problems created out of the boss’s imagination, is powerless to do any more than employ coping mechanisms that involve analyzing her own minute behavior so as to avoid being put in the hot seat merely for asking a question….

One-on-One

One-on-One

In kendo tonight I got to spar off with some of the more advanced students and these people were honestly coming at me with bamboo swords so fast that there was absolutely no time to think about anything else for these 2 or 3 minute sessions. I forgot how nice it is to be able to forget about everything else that is going on in the world except me and the other person. So many other aspects of life are too layered with history, emotions, background noise, third parties, etc… that I forget just just be reacting purely to the one person I’m presented with.

I haven’t been up to much lately, not much socializing, or going anywhere… I’ve pretty much been cooped up in my house for about the past three weeks. Why? Well I’m not always such a social being to be honest and I’m not involved in anything outside of my house that requires my direct attention other than Kendo and yoga and some friends once in a while… so I’m left to analyze the minor happenings I encounter.

I am amazingly equipped to enjoy this solitude, more so than most of people I meet… I’m not sure what predisposes me to this, it isn’t that I dislike people, I just prefer to interact with very few at a time given a choice (outside of work).

This is why I need very few friends, more are always welcome of course, but I have just a few archetypal places in my life for people who I can have that one-on-one time with. My need for that type of relationship with people is what may cause some confusion for some more social people. I honestly don’t understand how someone could constantly have multiple people around them all the time, I get tired and I need to go reset myself to process overly social situations, as if I have to figure out what parts of it actually means something and what was just filler and fluff. So you can imagine my confusion when someone constantly wants to bring other people in on our one-on-one time, I’m very inertial and need some time to adapt to the third, fourth, or fifth parties, I really only signed up for the one-on-one and now my needs aren’t being fulfilled because I have acquainted myself with a human who may potentially not value the one-on-one time as much as I have, or expresses it differently.

I like it being just me and the other person. I like being in the middle of that, playing around with it, making it into new things, but still keeping the structure. I’m weary of outside influences, not all the time, but at times when I’ve got something that I feel very strongly about and don’t want it spoiled. There is some fear of mental poisoning that makes me at first reject practically everyone until I can see something compatible within them.

Compatibility comes second to the effects they have by being in my life. Forced adaptation to new people in my social life is not something I get excited over because I tend to be in groups- of any kind- so I can be myself, not to hold back for the sake of the new guy. And I, in no way, enjoy walking around with a potential version of me intruding on this platform from which I intend to jump beyond myself. It only holds me back…and builds resentment (resentment is a whole nother note…I need to research it more though… I think my reasoning on it is flawed).

So as I’ve grown into my own shoes I have realized that I am more compatible with those who also like socializing in a mainly one-on-one manner and who can uphold that bond when larger scenes happen or third parties come to play. Only then am I reassured that I mean something to them.

I could stop here but I’ll keep going….

Reassurance is a major factor in any kind of relationship for me. Unfortunately the background noise of a persons life can inhibit them from providing the necessary reassurance that one needs to remain confident of the strength of previous bonding. Background noise is normal, but too much at one time can definitely stop new relationships in their tracks, but I think what keeps something going is not giving into fears when the reassurance isn’t happening.

Fear does nothing more than cause me to look for red flags of danger and want to run the other way, even if the reg flags where really white. [[are you actually reading this?]] But there is something about having your worst fear come true. It is liberating to never have to be afraid of it again and to finally be able to see what caused it to be there in the first place.

In times of immense social fear within a one-on-one structure, it is unwise to turn to related third parties, unwise. [[if you are, I am just wondering…..]] Doing so breaks the foundation of the structure, causes you to waste energy building new structures (like my monuments mentioned in a previous note) that only exist based on a weakness in an old structure (not mentally healthy), and shows the original friend that something is up – leaving their imagination to go wild with possibilities based on mere fragments of information. [[if it makes any sense]]You can see, it turns a simple human emotion into a huge mess. I don’t like emotional messes, so I would rather be weary of new members to my groups. Preference.