The problem with conducting social experiments is that I am playing two roles. Role A is the Experimenter who, based on need for greater insight into my own behavior patterns, has formulated a plan for testing out a hypothesis. Role B is reacting naturally to external stimuli that I have placed in front of me through a scene setup depicted by Role A.
So once I find a good enough situation (recognition of which is usually a split second “Initiate Experiment Now!” resonating in my head) to conduct my experiment in, then I am still left to pick up the post-experiment pieces. Which is fine because a major part of the experiment is to see if I can replicate a specific type of emotional reactivity which involves everything after the fact.
This experimenting stems from me seeing how well I can get specific reactions out of people. If I am able to successfully stage a reaction, then I am more aware of past situations where maybe it was simply just my behavior that ruled the whole situation. If replication is not possible then I can rule out how tightly connected my behavior is to the external world.
A difficulty is that now the experiment itself becomes part of my past and thus to an observer who is unaware of my conscious experiments, it would seems like a pattern which has yet to be stopped. When in reality, I did it on purpose this time. Which may in itself mean I have just found another way of perpetuating that same emotional reactivity…. but no problem is going to be solved until it is either no longer a problem, or is well understood enough to apply an antidote.
Some of my nuttiness stems from my belief that if I am not satisfied with what’s going on around me then I must do something about it in order to achieved a more desirable state of being.
The problem with this is that I am not always able to assess the aspects of my situation to realize where I actually do not the have power to change things. So then I keep trying and trying and trying again and end up just being somewhat pushy (or at least thinking that I have overstepped some sort of boundary) until I find something else to focus that energy on. This explains some of the strange things I end up doing or saying in the presence of newer friends (I already have boundaries with the old ones, that’s why I like them). When I have energy for a person, I really can’t handle not knowing where I stand with them and even worse not being in the most desirable positioning relative to them.
So my pushiness is generally in response to me seeing that there is a problem that I think I can solve through different techniques and approaches (letting the energy out as best I can), or…. I cannot solve the problem but don’t realize that the solution is beyond my means.
Aside from pushiness I have really one other approach. Completely backing off and living with the problem in my own head (holding the energy in). The silent time allows me to really think about it and make analogies to the past so I can reassess what is going on as well as get some practical stuff done in the rafters.
The problem with this “in your face, now I’m hiding” behavior is that I completely disregard the fact that some people like having other people around all the time and a sudden absence leaves a huge veil of uncertainty hovering. Me being completely unaware of the veil of uncertainty, jump right back into relationships where I left off, all happy and content because I’ve solved some puzzles of life in my head while I was away. While the person I return to, is more than just a little confused.
Sensing their confusing, I see another problem and thus either push through it or retreat again. I can’t seem to find a middle ground.