I envision that in my old age, after all the major phases of life have passed, I’ll often ponder back on my old emotions. I’ll spend time remembering how long it took me to classify and name them all and how hard it was to tame them to the point that I can appear in public without incident. I’m sure by then they will sit in my mental tool box as neatly arranged packages, patiently waiting until I decide which ones I need to use for life’s, now commonplace, occurrences. I imagine that by then they will know how to take their turn and so very few of them will take me by surprise. Even if I am by chance caught off guard, I will have already developed a technique for being caught off guard and so will not cause anyone alarm. Thus all this time I now spend starring endlessly at my ceiling, pondering what the hell just happened, will eventually be spent on more practical tasks. Though I am sure I will miss these oh so wild states of fits and passion that currently embarrass and haunt me. I will probably yearn to encounter new pieces of myself and wish that it all wasn’t so well organized….
I get depressed at the impossibility of many of my old dreams. Not so much because those dreams are not actually attainable in this world, but more so because I’m at a point in life when many life markers are now past and so, being no longer imprisoned by childhood life, I no longer dream like I used to no matter how hard I try. With all my great fantasies, logic rudely interrupts and haughtily states, “Don’t bother, the world doesn’t work that way.” I back down to this so called logic when in reality I don’t know why logic is sticking its weasel of a nose in my dream business anyway. So what if I want to build dream worlds where all my needs are met at the exact times I need them to be and where people say what I need them to say and shut up when I’m not in the mood. So what if I manifest what it would be like if someone I shouldn’t-have-a-crush-on-but-do actually wants to hang out with me and even brings me a flower in exchange for my company. Logic comes in again and says, “you can’t spend all your time in perfect worlds, if you do, you’ll never know what it is really like to be surprised.” Well logic has a point, however he forgets to notice how many times he incorrectly uses the word ‘surprise’ in replacement of ‘disappointment’.
“If the reader reflects a little upon the meaning of the entity he calls his life, he will find that it is the attempt to carry out a definite program or project of existence. … We are dealing – and let the disquieting strangeness of the case be well noted – with an entity whose being consists not in what it is already, but in what it is not yet, a being that consists in not-yet-being. Everything else in the world is what it is. An entity whose mode of being consists in what it is already, whose potentiality coincides at once with his reality, we call a ‘thing.’ Things are given their being ready-made.” – Ortega
I’m not sure if any one ever told me this before, perhaps I wasn’t listening if they did, but I’ve figured out that it is best not to make dreams that revolve around specific people or events that are outside of my personal control. I say this because I am tired of watching things die. Friendships, dogs, grandparents, memory foam pillows, etc. If things lasted forever then yes, putting them in my dreams would be justified, but I’ve learned over the past two years that it is not safe to do that.
Yes, being completely abandoned, let down, relieved, disappointed, elated, etc are all signs that I am indeed living an eventful life, full of adventurous obstacles to overcome and push my limits through, but a by-product of that is having to constantly push myself further to trust and learn when to rely on new people as well as believe what they are telling me is true. Anyways, I now focus my future plans (as best I can) on elements that are more within my control, and it is great because when influences of others come into play it is a pleasant surprise as opposed to a “oh, I was hoping you would have been like this instead.”
“No doubt it is a beautiful harmony when doing and saying go together, and I do not want to deny that words are of greater authority and efficacy when actions follow.” – De Montaigne
(Have I used this quote before? I’m not sure…. It is one of my favorites, so I wouldn’t be surprised)
I love sudden realizations, especially ones that indicate where I’ve wasted time and energy or where I realize that I’ve made the right decision for myself. I am therefore freed of placing myself in that situation and blindly reacting to it again… or so I feel. One area that I noticed I was wrong and plain stupid was continuing to rely on a flake; not a corn flake, or frosted flake, or snow flake, but a human flake… one who makes promises and doesn’t intend to keep them or doesn’t even remember making them, and to my surprise many many times, doesn’t keep them.
At first I was angry that the promises, even simple ones weren’t being kept, but it wasn’t until way after the flake flaked out on me for the last time that I have come to terms with myself that I was the stupid one for not eradicating the flake out of my life long ago. I’ve known my actions had something to do with the ultimate flake-out, but I didn’t realize it was in my initial choice of a mate where I had drastically failed. I gave the flake more chances than any rational person would have, why? well, honestly, I saw so many other things that he did that were wonderful, but they honestly weren’t enough to hold it all together. Flaking out on one too many BIG things in someone else’s life definitely doesn’t win anyone a spot in the hall of fame no matter how many cool superficial activities one has done in the name of whoever.
So recently, after venting some pent up frustration over petty and childish incidents and instead of trying to figure out where I went wrong with specifics, I simply zoomed out and saw the flake for who he really is and how my not being strong enough to stand up for myself years ago has contributed to me wasting a lot of time and pointless heart ache on someone who I actually didn’t have the connection to that I had blindly thought I had. I cried for all the wrong reasons! How embarrassing is that?
As for him, any girl can have him, I’m not even going to pretend to care or ever be jealous of someone who simply inherited a flake from me and my dreams happen regardless of who I hold them to. So I’m free to live my life flake-free and be the coolest person the flake will forever miss out on, with friends I can count on, who enjoy my crazy antics and emotions and don’t mind going out of their way for me if I need their help.
So next time a flake tries to flake out of your life… let them go and move on to a non-flake who is hotter and not only better in bed, but doesn’t make you wait for the weekend to prove it to you.
I was just sitting, internalized, on my bed curled up in a ball, swaying ever so slightly, meditating my hardest to remember where I put my GMAT score report so I can finish another part of my Grad School Application. Completely stumped, my mind skipped like a rock over the water of other thoughts that I figured might trigger the location of the report paper. Nonetheless the rock fell into the water on a particular topic of thought that I often revisit when I’m in a frustrated internal state and need a smile.
The specific moment of the thought-topic was of no surprise to me… the memory consisted of me in a different, yet sorta similar, sitting pose, gazing intently at the living image in front of me, for how long, I do not know… it seemed like an eternity, yet probably only a few seconds. In that memory I swayed, eyes fixed, ever so slightly as well, but as a fidget, rather than habit, from an over bubbling rush of a feeling that I knew must exist yet honestly had never expected to experience.
At that point I was reliving it again, feeling the flash behind my eyes as the bright blue pierced into me, the intent rush of amazement, then came the realization that it was too late, it took me by surprise, I didn’t intend to fall in love like this – in this way, I should never have gotten myself in this situation and let this happen, it’s not safe. I must have let my guard down somewhere, in sometime, but it was too late for that and yet oh so soon all at the same time. Maybe I put that paper in my night stand. No, not there either. Thank god for The Giver.