Tag Archives: suspicion



It is 3am and I’m wide awake because I passed out at 7 or 8 when I got home from drinking. I’ve been laying in bed 1) thinking about how comfortable it is and 2) wondering what actually excites me in life. There are so many things I do that really are only interesting because they get me moving and out of my room. But do I actually enjoy it? that is a very different question, usually my response is, “I had a good time,” which is true but most of the time my head is still in another place or wishes to be for some reason.

It is that feeling of being 100% absorbed in something that I actually crave; that is difficult to obtain with other people around. Often I think that the people I’m hanging out with would enjoy themselves more if they were hanging out with someone else who is more entertaining. Maybe I’m just bored with myself sometimes so I assume others must be as well. Actually it is really a compatibility issue because more overtly social individuals need to be entertained to have a good time. They also need you to be over the top in explaining situations you enjoyed otherwise they don’t see the fun in it and respond with suspicion.

I think it is my knowledge of these overly social types that makes me wonder if I could have had a better time. I just see how other people “enjoy” situations more than I did and I wonder what I missed. But it isn’t that I didn’t have a good time, it is just that I didn’t have a good enough time. I think someone would have enjoyed themselves more with different company because I am not always that interested in social activities unless I’m extremely interested in hanging out with the parties involved.

I’m rather apathetic towards most people, like always have one foot on the ground and take it all with a grain of salt. I just don’t really want to be connected to anyone (aside from family) any more than I already are. Some sort of freedom from being defined by my friends. I don’t really know what to do about it, or if anything needs doing. School is good because it gives me a reason to hang out with people and a base for something to talk about.

The worst is feeling alone when people are around, because when I feel alone, I want to go be alone and that is often difficult when someone is relying on you to maintain your attention to the fact that they are there with you in the moment. Like if driving in the car and the other person wants to talk and I’m just zoned out, then I have to deal with the other person not being satisfied with my entertainment skills, when I really would rather be relaxing somewhere or practicing a new dance move in my room.

The problem with relationships is that I usually wonder why the person is hanging out with me and I usually don’t have a very good answer to that question. Just killing time, I guess, with something to do and someone to do something with. I think I’m just lacking adventurous excitement and the feelings involved. It all comes back to me being immobilized until I finish school. It is a personal choice and these are just the side effects of that choice that I must bear to accomplish my goal. I’m almost a year in and I have a year left, so it should go by fast. I have a lot of things to look forward to this summer. That dance workshop in July up in LA, getting these summer school classes out of the way, so the future doesn’t seem so grim, neither really does the present. There is just some left over dread from the past in dealing with people that comes up after certain interactions that makes me feel unsure of myself, but in so many other ways, I’m fine. I just wish I could go back to sleep.

How to Know That You Need to Make a Change for Yourself

How to Know That You Need to Make a Change for Yourself

I hate the fact that we can only be in one place at one time. Everyday I am forced to rely on second hand accounts of what happened, which, for the most part is fine, because I wouldn’t always want to have actually been present for most events. But I honestly have issues relying on other peoples accounts of aspects of my life that I was not present for. There are just too many variables which could totally change the perspective of the situation. Other people’s perspectives also change based on their after thoughts of the situation. I try to cycle through as many different views of problematic situations, yet alone I am often unable to think of the right angel to approach many situations.

Paranoia kicks in when I have an idea in my head that requires me to make a decision and I don’t have enough data to make a full-on decision….or I am simply afraid of what another person’s reaction will be to my decision. At this point I am not sure if the data I have in front of me is enough, so I review and review and review trying to see where I can pull more information… with each review I think accuracy diminishes, yet in the moment there is no way to know that. Only later do details become more clear and only after getting another person’s input, which in itself is based on personal bias…. so I am still unsure of how accurate I am in my interpretation of the meaning of things.

I am thinking this is a conditioned response in me from being considered the weak one, or at least, from my perspective, constantly being treated as such. It is difficult dealing with people who will always find fault in something you do, or who think that their way is always better. It is never a smooth ride with them… I have to constantly assess my positioning, which in turn requires the use of suspicion. The use of suspicious thinking enables me to be prepared for as many possible outcomes as possible in hopes that when one outcome that is undesirable to me starts forming I can better prepare myself and/or take steps to guide it to an outcome more in my favor.

Emotionally, all this reacting to mere what-if situations this is draining. The best option when stuck in this situation is to shut out the person causing the stress (especially if they fail after a second chance). Unfortunately, pushing through situations like these are seen as a sign of character and maturity, which when it comes to maintaining a job for long periods of time, is essential. In other words, I can’t quit my job before I have proper experience just because one person I work with micromanages. In my personal life, I have learned, that I can take myself out of situations that cause too much drama and/or excite negative thinking and emotions in myself.

I’m toying with ideas about my way of thinking. There are many thoughts that come to mind not because I made an effort to pull them up, but many that just appear on my mind screen in response to whatever life situation I am in (I’m talking about our natural way of drawing from experience). When I’ve been running around all day being busy…I get tired. It is my body saying, “I need to rest.” So what do I do? Rest. The extent of my resting depends on how tired I am. Therefore the extent to which my mind pushes thoughts out to life situations utilizing pathways such as suspicious thinking, paranoia, anger, etc. is a response to how stressed out I am. I need to take this side effect as a message that I need to make some sort of change for myself to decrease the stress.

I’m practicing mental monitoring (bearing witness to the mind as a yogi would say) and I know from experiencing myself that when times are good and I am healthily trekking along, this stressful type of thought-layer isn’t building in my mind. It is not the thoughts themselves (it is tempting to indulge in the individual thoughts because they are very entertaining, but they will side track you from the bigger picture of how life is affecting you), it is the fact that I am having these types of thoughts in absence of happier ones that tells me I am not where I should be.

What to change and how? Those are now the questions.