” ‘Jane Doe’ the name I will always remember and the name that always will be close to my heart. I have been away from my home country for almost 5 years, I’ve been to Europe and Australia. During my stay in Australia, in Sydney, I met many interesting people and made many friends. But if someone in my country asked me, “Hey who was your favorite person, who did you like most?” I will say, without doubt, Jane was my favorite and always will be my favorite girl because she rocked my world. Jane, you always made me smile all day, your funny messages made me happy all the time. As I told you, I never said to someone “I love you” but maybe I was one inch from saying ‘I love you’. Well, what the hell, I love you!
True, I am one to often believe that wenching and complaining is quite necessary and a good way of simply expressing frustration over issues beyond ones control. But honestly, I can’t listen to the same stuff every occurrence. How is it possible that people forgot how to grow? No, Once you hit 21 you’re not necessarily set in your ways, you do not have to be the way you are forever, unless, of course, you are lazy or just in need of habits to use as a source of identity and a feeling of value for oneself.
I met a guy in Australia, old guy, name is John; I loved walking by my local pub and sitting down for a beer and a chat with John under the heat lamps. Like most guys, John had other women, same as me, who stopped by for a beer and a chat with him. I didn’t mind that I was just one of many, I felt honored actually. You see, John wanted to be known as: “John, you know, the guy always sitting out, drinking a beer at the Quarrymans Hotel.” That was John sole purpose… to be ‘that’ guy out side of a pub the the locals knew about and would remember (Keep in mind this was Sydney, not BFE).
I bring up this story because it has to do with controlling which niches one places oneself in. Being a creature of intense habit, I can detect- all to well- when someone needs a new habit adjustment, including myself. There comes that point when one is still playing the old program simply for the sake of being in the habit of filling a redundant scene in ones life with something and not getting anywhere, because ‘I just don’t know what else to do with myself.’ I.E. Holidays, yawning in conversations when you’re not tired, constantly making your life difficult so you don’t have to focus on other things, (insert annoying habit here), etc………
From this point one can go in basically two directions:
1. Don’t let on that the habit was ever there and change it so subtlety that no one notices until the change has fully been made, and then act as though the new part of you was there all the time, you just pulled it out of your sleeve all breezy-like. Brilliant. Wow. Stand up and clap for yourself.
2. Make a big deal out of your change and tell the whole world how you’ve wasted so much time and now these are all the things you’re gonna do and all the things you’re gonna accomplish. Not my style because it is only brilliant if you actually pull it off… and if you take this approach… I (or someone else) will steal your ideas (if I like them) and pull them off before you just to see if I can or steal the glory. As the Godfather said: “Trust people, but also be wary of them. Don’t let them know what you are thinking too much.”
Where does wenching fit into all of this? Wenching is one thing ones does when one is aware of a habit, but fears not being able to pull off a remedy for this little hole you’ve dug yourself. That is why I prefer option 1, from above, given a choice, because I have an annoying habit of fearing failure and don’t like others to see where I’ve failed- assuming they know what constitutes failure to me. Avoiding option 2 to also avoids compound failure and constant changing of plans, which makes one look weak and a bit delusional.
Most importantly, redundant wenching also is a result of hoping others will clean up your messes for you. This lazy luxury is not only for people who believe they are superior to the problem at hand and so feel they have the ‘right’ to wench about it, but also the ability to make it someone else’s problem. Tact, in this case, is definitely something that should be taught better on TV. Or maybe it is just me who has a hard time handling people swimming though dirty laundry while trying to have a conversation…. heaven forbid a tide come in.
I have diagnosed a very simple reason for a very big cause of misery in life, which my be obvious to others, but since I tend to be completely oblivous to myself, I have just figured out my issue.
It isn’t that I expect the world to be stable and reliable, it is just that I was so accustomed to it being so. In my, more or less, predictable upbringing there really weren’t any sudden tragedies. Nope, not too many in comparison to those of the people I have met and those I enjoy having as friends. By the time some tragic situations hit me I was pretty much old enough to not be so affected by the ‘mystery’ of trauma and drama that affect children in a much different way than more adult-like persons such as I found myself at the time. The elderly, as well as those who were once our puppies, pass on, friends and lovers pop in and out of my bubble of existence (some in more dramatic ways than others), parents get ill and recover, etc. Other items of my life that would be labeled as unstable (many of which seem minor or rediculous to outsiders) have always been unstable and thus I find stability in those particular unstable cases, well, they are actually more stable, or at least reasonably so, in comparison to my life as it has been in Sydney and those times closely before.
My ‘baseline,’ that fortune has drawn for me, of what is stable and what is not, is the cause of some misery mentioned above. I have wasted countless hours recently lost with the most perplexed, twisted eyed look on my face over why my life doesn’t work out so smoothly as suggested by people, plans, travel itineraries, etc. Still I’m a bit wide eyed at where the epicenter of these mental and emotional earthquakes is seemingly located. Had I realized this sooner I could have been well past the point of needing to type this out and probably getting myself involved in something else that I wil probably only fully understand after the fact. At least if that were the case I’d be one step ahead of now, sooner, making my present more productive and even possibly more fun.
But moving forward, I’m suggesting that if I continue to rely on my external reality, like I was accustomed to for 24 years, I will become increasingly more unstable. I feel as though I’ve let too much of my emotions to be triggered and validated by the outside world, and it seems to be a rather big mistake that I increasingly keep making.
Realizing this, I’m not sure what to do. ‘ Trial and error’ still seems the way to effectively accept and reject the external pieces in life, but the ‘error’ part has to be the most disheartening aspect that I really don’t want to face anymore, or, at least, I need a break from. How many errors are the limit before I should throw my hands up and say ‘I’m done!’? How much instability and broken suggestions is cause for rejection? And what do I do when I have accepted something that fortune & fate is pulling away from me? I just think it is sad to find something so special and matching of my inner world and not be able to take it along with me in my travels.
Hopefuly more to come on patients, tolerance, and indecisiveness
Next time I travel I want to do it in style. Granted I have learned much about myself but honestly I need another vacation from my vacation from my vacation, which points to home. I really love that home is going to be a vacation for a while and it will be nice to snuggle into my bed where only I exist and all of this will be a dream.
I have so many thoughts to pour out but they always seem to hide when it is time for me to get them out.
Faith and compromise have been the major themes to this adventure of mine. Actually it hasn’t been a proper adventure. The east coast of Australia is extremely overrated. Perhaps I think this because I’m not an 18 years old and I’m not even a backpacker at all. Sure all my stuff is carried from one place to the next in my backpack, but backpacking, truly, is far more hardcore than this. I’ve just been budget traveling… and I’m sick of it. I would have rather done it “flash packer” style with a rented car or camper van and definitely some nice hotels instead of hostels.
Back to faith and compromise:
It is nice to come across people who have restored my faith in, well, people. I have realized that I have become an extremely stubborn person. When I first got to Sydney I felt kind of strange with the thought that I can do whatever I want whenever I want to, but almost a year and a half later that behavior has become natural to me to the point that I really have no idea how to compromise. My first thought at any compromise is “I don’t have to compromise, because well not to many others I know do.” Honestly… I’m just speaking about men here. All my girls are as good as gold. But boys… my gosh… being an adult isn’t about just being proud that you’re doing what you want and proving to me with your actions that you aren’t going to give in to me. There are guys who actually try and try again… maybe because they know what they want and are so sound in themselves that the first ‘no’ or apprehension from me doesn’t shake their path to the goal. Or they actually want to hang out with me…. hhmmm I guess there are people who wouldn’t want to hang out with me… but I really would rather not think about that. This concept is new to me because I have no way of getting to my goals with guys, all my efforts seem to fail or provide little feedback so I abandon the mission.
This is just the first piece of ‘the idiots guide to me’ that I think I’ll post up here… because my verbal communication skills really don’t relay enough information about me. I can only tell when asked and if no one is asking and just assumes, they really won’t know me.
It is defiantly true that I will say ‘no’ to you at first, I just will if your idea is far off from the plan I have in my mind. That plan BTW isn’t concrete and I’m relearning that other people’s plans could produce highly desirable circumstances. I am just stubborn and need facts and perhaps a debate; I like debating, especially with a smile 🙂
All this goes out the window with disposable relationships though… they can’t last without huge compromises offering hopes on a word that may have no history of reliability and probably a lot of time in between… sigh…
I’m just bored with myself.
We were just getting ready to leave the restaurant in Bondi, at the time I didn’t really know where Bondi was, other than it was outside of Sydney and obviously on the coast because it was actually called Bondi Beach, pronounced “bond eye”.
At the moment, I can’t remember much of what we were talking about in detail aside from the fact that it was the basic things I guess people would talk about on a date, though I wouldn’t know if that is accurate because the last actual formal date I had been on was when I was 16, and that doesn’t really count because I had already known that guy for a long time.
I do remember listening to something more awesome sounding than music music, an accent. I wasn’t really nervous, because I tend not to take serious situations seriously sometimes unless they get super serious. I could tell he was a bit nervous at times (or maybe I can say that later because he told me that he was nervous at some point in time way later).
Okay fine I do remember something we talked about that I’d just like to forget him asking me about, “So where is your boyfriend? Why are you traveling alone?”
Stab to the heart, I didn’t want to talk about it, the rule I read someplace is “Don’t talk about the ex to new guys, especially on dates.” Oh well, the lightest answer I could come up with was, “he abandoned me, we were supposed to move someplace together, but I was busy and he didn’t want to wait so he left, then I came here.” After saying it I realized from the look on his face that it wasn’t a very light answer, but at that point it was a sunk cost I had to deal with and people were going to know, I just wanted to avoid the excess emotions attached to it and enjoy the night.
We left the restaurant and took the long way back to the car by walking the board walk. He told me about the place and pointed out a romantic spot where he used to dance with his ex girlfriend.
“At least I’m not the only one bringing up the ex, must not be such a general rule,” I thought to myself. I also thought, “why don’t we dance there now?” but didn’t say it out loud because I figured he’d ask me if he wanted to and he didn’t so I wasn’t going to change his plans.
From there we drove up the hill to a park that over looked the Sydney skyline. I was going to sit down on the grass, but he told me to wait while he took off his jacket and started putting it on the ground for me to sit on. I told him is wasn’t necessary, but he insisted that it was leather and that it was fine.
So there I was, watching the city lights….falling in love again.