I envision that in my old age, after all the major phases of life have passed, I’ll often ponder back on my old emotions. I’ll spend time remembering how long it took me to classify and name them all and how hard it was to tame them to the point that I can appear in public without incident. I’m sure by then they will sit in my mental tool box as neatly arranged packages, patiently waiting until I decide which ones I need to use for life’s, now commonplace, occurrences. I imagine that by then they will know how to take their turn and so very few of them will take me by surprise. Even if I am by chance caught off guard, I will have already developed a technique for being caught off guard and so will not cause anyone alarm. Thus all this time I now spend starring endlessly at my ceiling, pondering what the hell just happened, will eventually be spent on more practical tasks. Though I am sure I will miss these oh so wild states of fits and passion that currently embarrass and haunt me. I will probably yearn to encounter new pieces of myself and wish that it all wasn’t so well organized….
I have recently come across a few beliefs of mine that I have discovered to be false. Meaning something about life which I believed to be true isn’t and/or something about life I believed to be untrue actually is true. Also, I have come across something which I knew to be true, but didn’t want to believe it was true, so I assumed it couldn’t be true and tried to act upon principals which were erroneous in the end because it indeed is true. or so I have learned.
Often I disregard a harsh reality because the harshness is exposed only in infrequent and inconsequential instances. Meaning that I can continue on for quite a long time with a certain intuitive itch left unscratched because the situation has not grown to a large enough proportion to initiate action on my part. Then, the clouds part, I look to the sky with my hands up, and say “I knew it all along.”
Yes I am still learning, many things. At no point in life can I say that everything I have been learning has been learned and that I can start out fresh with a new set of things to learn. The more experience I accumulate, the more I manipulate them together in my tool box for use in current affairs. Which bothers me because some situations cannot be forgotten because of their shinning characteristics which will most definitely come in handy later, if not for myself specifically, but for someone else seeking help.