Tag Archives: yoga

Boys Who Get My Number but Never Call

Boys Who Get My Number but Never Call

Practically two weeks after getting my number, Chase finally called me. I don’t know what took him so long, maybe he was busy or nervous, perhaps I scared him off somehow, or he never intended to call in the first place, regardless, he finally called on Saturday.

“Thinker, Hi, it’s Chase,” Came the somewhat reserved voice over the line.

“Hey, Chase, What’s up? You finally called,” I responded.

Nervous laugh, “Yeah, I did, I uh, I’ll be down by the Beach today and I just, I just want to see if you’re free later to go do yoga on the beach for an hour or so,” he said.

“Today?” I quizzically repeated back to myself as I fumbled for my planner.

I opened my planner to see what I have going on, “Oh let me see,” I whispered to myself. “Okay,” I told him, “I have a test to study for, but I’m sure I can make time to hang out for a bit.”

“That’s great!” Chase said.

Later that day:

He picked me up from my place as planned. It was slightly awkward because I’ve never really hung out with him before, but he’s a cool guy so I managed to feel comfortable.

I don’t know if it was morning or evening; most likely it wasn’t the middle of the day because that would have been too hot. Regardless it was fun to hang out with a guy who would legitimately do yoga with me for once. He even showed me some of his Kung Fu moves.

In actuality, Chase hasn’t done any of that yet….

Restructuring Thought Programs

Restructuring Thought Programs

Being somewhat of an immensely yoga influenced person I find that it does help once in a while to step back from life and view it from a detached position so as better to see what is going on, especially in my mind. On a necessary occasion I like to try and think about nothing and not let any thought grab my attention no matter how badly I want to take hold of the reins and ride the thought into the sunset. By doing this I can see from the sidelines how the content of my life affects me.

I’ve known forever that I am a daydreamer, I love daydreaming. Daydreams are different to other thoughts in life because they are purely for entertainment purposes and ways to fill time while in meetings, brushing my teeth, walking around campus, trying to fall asleep at night, etc. Those are great but I have (in the somewhat recent past) developed a shift in my thinking. I’ve gotten in the habit of daydreaming on my life, my real life. I don’t make up pure fictional stories like I used to, I simply use the outside world as fuel for my everyday inner world, which I probably have always done, but I used to use more imaginary figures and places… (I spent 10 years with my nose in scifi/fantasy books… what do you expect?) Anyways, so I feel like I am drowning in my over active imagination, which consists of a multitude of events in my life that have never happened to me or probably won’t.

So taking a few-minute break from my thoughts was a great idea because it allowed thoughts to pop up on my mind screen and after instantly acknowledging them out of habit, I saved them for later, all before I grabbed hold of them which prevented them from fully being played out and reacted to. So you see… these thoughts that have often taken over my time, have only done so because I have allowed them to.

It isn’t easy fighting a mental program once the program has established itself and is propagating how it fulfills my needs, but sometimes enough is just enough. I have to stamp out useless thought programs fully to keep my mind strong.

One-on-One

One-on-One

In kendo tonight I got to spar off with some of the more advanced students and these people were honestly coming at me with bamboo swords so fast that there was absolutely no time to think about anything else for these 2 or 3 minute sessions. I forgot how nice it is to be able to forget about everything else that is going on in the world except me and the other person. So many other aspects of life are too layered with history, emotions, background noise, third parties, etc… that I forget just just be reacting purely to the one person I’m presented with.

I haven’t been up to much lately, not much socializing, or going anywhere… I’ve pretty much been cooped up in my house for about the past three weeks. Why? Well I’m not always such a social being to be honest and I’m not involved in anything outside of my house that requires my direct attention other than Kendo and yoga and some friends once in a while… so I’m left to analyze the minor happenings I encounter.

I am amazingly equipped to enjoy this solitude, more so than most of people I meet… I’m not sure what predisposes me to this, it isn’t that I dislike people, I just prefer to interact with very few at a time given a choice (outside of work).

This is why I need very few friends, more are always welcome of course, but I have just a few archetypal places in my life for people who I can have that one-on-one time with. My need for that type of relationship with people is what may cause some confusion for some more social people. I honestly don’t understand how someone could constantly have multiple people around them all the time, I get tired and I need to go reset myself to process overly social situations, as if I have to figure out what parts of it actually means something and what was just filler and fluff. So you can imagine my confusion when someone constantly wants to bring other people in on our one-on-one time, I’m very inertial and need some time to adapt to the third, fourth, or fifth parties, I really only signed up for the one-on-one and now my needs aren’t being fulfilled because I have acquainted myself with a human who may potentially not value the one-on-one time as much as I have, or expresses it differently.

I like it being just me and the other person. I like being in the middle of that, playing around with it, making it into new things, but still keeping the structure. I’m weary of outside influences, not all the time, but at times when I’ve got something that I feel very strongly about and don’t want it spoiled. There is some fear of mental poisoning that makes me at first reject practically everyone until I can see something compatible within them.

Compatibility comes second to the effects they have by being in my life. Forced adaptation to new people in my social life is not something I get excited over because I tend to be in groups- of any kind- so I can be myself, not to hold back for the sake of the new guy. And I, in no way, enjoy walking around with a potential version of me intruding on this platform from which I intend to jump beyond myself. It only holds me back…and builds resentment (resentment is a whole nother note…I need to research it more though… I think my reasoning on it is flawed).

So as I’ve grown into my own shoes I have realized that I am more compatible with those who also like socializing in a mainly one-on-one manner and who can uphold that bond when larger scenes happen or third parties come to play. Only then am I reassured that I mean something to them.

I could stop here but I’ll keep going….

Reassurance is a major factor in any kind of relationship for me. Unfortunately the background noise of a persons life can inhibit them from providing the necessary reassurance that one needs to remain confident of the strength of previous bonding. Background noise is normal, but too much at one time can definitely stop new relationships in their tracks, but I think what keeps something going is not giving into fears when the reassurance isn’t happening.

Fear does nothing more than cause me to look for red flags of danger and want to run the other way, even if the reg flags where really white. [[are you actually reading this?]] But there is something about having your worst fear come true. It is liberating to never have to be afraid of it again and to finally be able to see what caused it to be there in the first place.

In times of immense social fear within a one-on-one structure, it is unwise to turn to related third parties, unwise. [[if you are, I am just wondering…..]] Doing so breaks the foundation of the structure, causes you to waste energy building new structures (like my monuments mentioned in a previous note) that only exist based on a weakness in an old structure (not mentally healthy), and shows the original friend that something is up – leaving their imagination to go wild with possibilities based on mere fragments of information. [[if it makes any sense]]You can see, it turns a simple human emotion into a huge mess. I don’t like emotional messes, so I would rather be weary of new members to my groups. Preference.

Constantly Creating New Things to Look Forward to…

Constantly Creating New Things to Look Forward to…

I’ve been shooting magic arrows at falling stars for weeks now, and no matter how many stars I hit in this brainstorm, I have yet to actually climb up and bring my, so-called, great ideas down to earth where they may actually prove useful.

For a time in my life where so much possibility exists I am really having a hard time pushing myself to get started onto something next. I have plenty of ideas, heaps of them to keep me looking forward, but just no real drive to act on them. I never thought I’d say it, but going to bed at 4 am and sleeping till noon or 1 pm really does nothing to motivate me into action.

Lately, by the time I get out of bed and piddle around with the idea of taking action, the sun is setting, leaving me to a world of endless night which encompasses a world of endless dreaming. So, whenever I end up going back home (I’m in Phoenix for a few days) I’m going to kick my own arse into shape and do more than eat, sleep, and go to yoga. I’m going to make myself a list of things to get done each day and actually cross off everything on the list, simply for the sake of completing something: the list.